Finding My Soul

My mom called me earlier today. Things between have been awkward as of late. It didn't help that I acted like a little brat when I was on vacation with her. I was just unhappy that my brother half my age gets to go wherever he wants and my sisters and I don't. I'm pretty sure she just wants us to be safe, but we are a lot older now. I guess I just don't understand and I never confronted her about it. That's my fault and I know that. I just don't know how to talk to her anymore.

Anyway, she called just a while ago. She asked me about my job and school status. That lets me know that she cares about me because I never really know if she does or not. I told her that I haven't found a job yet, but that I'm still looking. She said that she knows how hard it is to find a job over here in California. I could already hear that I should move over there in her voice. She asked me how much longer I have left in school. I told her that I have a year and probably a half left to get my bachelor's degree. I explained to her that I just want to finish it so that I can get a decent job.

I told her that I had some clothes to send to the Philippines, but she told me not too. She said it would be too much money to send stuff there. It would be better if I donated the clothes to the salvation army so that I can claim it for my income tax next year. She started asking about the stuff in the storage. I told her that most of it was my sisters, but that I just wanted to start getting rid of stuff. I also mentioned that there were some things of hers that she wanted me to hold on to. She said that she can't make it there right now because it is difficult. She even wants me to donate the organ too.

After some more conversation, the call came to a close. She told me that she loves me and my eyes started to tear up. I know that the relationship between my mom and I is not that great, but I do love her. She is still my mom and I wish things were a lot better between us. I've always known that she loves me, I just don't get that re-assurance. Then again, I can pick up the phone too. I told her that I loved her too and the phone call ended. I just want things to be cool between us again, but that has to start with me.

I was feeling glum and gloomy as usual this morning. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. Of course, I got hungry and had to force myself to get up. I decided to do the rest of my laundry since it finally got freed up from the consistent usage of the washer and dryer by the other inhabitants of the house. I was bumming around watching the Nanny when I received a text message from my long time friend Natalie. She had seen my missed call and didn't notice it until she got to work this morning. She informed me that I could call her after 12 noon when she gets off from work. It was around that time when I wasn't sure when exactly to call her. I sent her a text message instead asking her when was the best time to call. She said that 3:30PM would be fine.

As I was lounging around watching television, I received another text message from my friend Sunny. He asked me if I wanted to have brunch with him, his treat. I replied that it would be nice. It would be another attempt to get me out of the house, so I took the opportunity. I went to brush my teeth since I had already showered hours earlier. I got dressed and was ready for him upon his arrival. I hadn't seen him in well over a month beyond my absence from my month long vacation. I had been pushing people away because I didn't want them to get tired of my acts of depression for which I had apologized to him for. Anyway, he picked me up and we headed off downtown.

It was interesting, how cloudy and gloomy it was in my part of town. As soon as we drove passed 30th Avenue heading east, it was blue skies and sunny. Sunny commented that no wonder I was in such a gloomy mood. We roamed aimlessly around the Castro area looking for parking. It must have been almost a half hour before we ended up finding one on a downward slope on Noe Street. We walked down with all the lovely eye candy that glorified the streets due to the beautiful weather on this side of the City. We went to Cafe Flore because he wanted to sit outdoors and I heard it is a well-known establishment. He ordered our food while I ventured out into the area to locate a decent table to sit at. Unfortunately, all of the good ones were taken. I ended up finding an area along the street that was sort of outdoors, but covered. It wasn't very well ventilated and I kept smelling sh*t when I sat down. I kept checking under my feet and the table to see if there was anything there, but there wasn't. Eventually, we relocated to the inside and ate our brunch there. The food was pretty good and the scenery was great.

After brunch, we headed out to the Castro to figure out what else to do. He kept asking me, but I really didn't care. I was just happy that I was out of the house doing something and hanging out with somebody. We stopped by to buy lube at one of the local porn stores then headed back to the car to figure out what to do next. I had mentioned that a friend of mine was at Dolores Park playing Scrabble. With that in mind, that became our next destination. Of course, we had the parking issue again, so we went hunting for that. We were fortunate to find one at the top of a hill a block away from the park where the road ended in two places. We headed down the hill towards the park and it was nice. It was a nice view. We walked to the corner and there it was... the gay beach and all its glory. There were hot shirtless men laying out to sunbathe. It was definitely a sight to see. We made our way around the park to check out the local lovelies and some of the eye candies that were out there were definitely to die for. After making our way around the park, we settled down on the grass where there was some shade for me to sit under while having full view of eye candy. The view of the city from where we sat was amazing, from the endless view of men to the skyline, it was a spectacular view. We sat and watched as many men walked by shirtless and even down to their underwear, laying out under the sun in all its glory. There were many men to look at on this beautiful gorgeous day with a slight cool breeze making its way down through the park. Eventually, we headed back to the car and he took me home.

It was a nice day. Two hours had already passed the time that I was to call my friend Natalie. Fortunately, I had sent her a text message to let her know that something came up and that I would call her later. I ended up calling her as soon as I sat down on my bed. I was very happy that she answered. I had not talked to her in so long. I think the last time I actually talked to her on the phone was sometime last year. I'm not sure exactly when, but it must have been before I quit Fedex because she had no idea that that even happened. I brought her up to speed and filled her in on what had gone on in my life since we last talked. I went from why I quit my job to my vacation. Then, she filled me in on her life as well. She now has a granddaughter and her son moved out of the house. That's huge. Ever since I have known her, her son has been her life. She said that she experienced the "Empty Nest" syndrome for a week and was over it. She told me about her work and the drama with her family. We even talked about how you can't trust people these days and I totally could relate to her.

From the moment I spoke on the phone, she knew that I was not well. That's how much she KNOWS me, but that's what you expect from a friendship of 17 years. Wow, that's a long time. I value her friendship. I told her that I wrote down a list of things that I'm happy and thankful for. It is something that I am using from "The Secret" to have a positive attitude and be happy to get the things that I want in my life. I told her how the kids in the Philippines made me want a family more and more. I went down my list of "happy thoughts" with her starting from the top of the list which are the most recent events and down going back to what made me happy in my past. The first that I wrote was playing ball with Nickson and my little cousins in the Philippines; The second was seeing A Chorus Line and having dinner with Tina, Dani, Raquel, & Mom; all the way down to working with Natalie at Pru. I told her that I was very thankful to have her in my life. Even though we don't talk as much and there could be months or a year before we talk again, but when we do... it is like we picked up where we left off. Our friendship is very special to me and I cherish it very much. She said that she was wanting to cry at that moment.

At that moment, the conversation changed as we started to get into being lost in my life, and this is where the foot started targeting my head. She started to tell me that I have nothing holding me from anything. I have no ties, no children to keep me from reaching my dreams and goals. She said that the world is mine and I have nothing to hold me back. She pointed out that I was able to travel to Hawaii, the Philippines, and Hong Kong; and she hasn't done that. She's always wanted to travel, but the only places she's been to are up and down the California coast and Mexico. She said that I've done so much that she has not known anyone else to do. She mentioned how I took the responsibility of being the mother and father to my siblings at the age of 14 while going to school; how I juggled two jobs and going to school; working four jobs and going to school. She made me look at all that I have done and that there is nothing that can stop me from doing what I want. If I can do all that, then the possibilities for me are endless. There were more things that were discussed, but simply put... that was the big kick to my head. She really got me thinking that there is nothing that I can't do and the only person holding me back is myself. She even mentioned that she finally understood something that was said in the movie, "Good Will Hunting." I checked it out and this is what was said:

Will: What do I wanna way outta here for? I'm gonna live here the rest of my fuckin' life. We'll be neighbors, have little kids, take 'em to Little League up at Foley Field.
Chuckie: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way but, in 20 years if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house, watchin' the Patriots games, workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill ya. That's not a threat, that's a fact, I'll fuckin' kill ya.
Will: What the fuck you talkin' about?
Chuckie: You got somethin' none of us have...
Will: Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to?
Chuckie: No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time.

She didn't act it all out or anything like that, but she pretty much summed it up for me. It was like an awakening. A wake-up call. A big kick to my head. She began getting phone calls from her boyfriend and it was well past 7:00pm when she was to see a movie with him. So, I thanked her and let her go so that she can pick up her boyfriend. After I got off the phone with her, I felt that my spirits where higher than they were, but I still needed to figure out what to do. Nevertheless, that was what I needed to move on forward. Hmmm.... Keep moving forward! (I love that movie.) That's what I will do.

Back on the first of the month, I received an interesting text message from my landlord. "Hey guys. I need you all to sit down and have a house meeting about the current situation. I have spoken to you all and a decision must be made. I have heard different sides of the story and so now it is up to you all to decide who leaves. Please let me know what you decide. Thank you for understanding." I was a little confused and wasn't sure what was going on. Then, I received another text. "About the last text... There is drama between J and R, and I anticipate one of them will be leaving. Just wanted to let you know what was going on." Since I was on vacation for an entire month, I was wondering what had happened between the two. I began to wonder about this house meeting and thought about voting people out of the house like one of those reality shows. Of course, since I had been having issues with R, I had been thinking of all the things that irritate me about him living in the house to vote him out. He is the guy that I share the bathroom with who doesn't ever help clean it, he doesn't help with any of the household chores, he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, and he's just dirty. I've seen both of them in passing and engaged with them in small talk, but I stayed in my room most of the time when I got back from trip.

Earlier today, R just happened to be in the living room on his computer when I went to get my laundry out of the dryer. He asked me about my vacation and I told him it was fine. He started talking to me about this Filipino girl that he met and told her about me going to the Philippines. I thought that it was kind of weird that he would be bringing me up in a conversation especially with a girl I don't even know. He knows that I'm gay. Anyway, I just nodded and proceeded on up to my room after gathering all of my clothes. He started to tell me about the situation with our other roommate. I guess J has been trying to get me kicked out of the house. I was very shocked to hear that because I thought I had a better relationship with him than R. After R talked to him more, he found out the reason J wanted me to get kicked out of the house is so that R can move into my room and J would take over R's room to use as his office. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. R didn't believe that what J was doing was right, so he said that he was against it. He said that I never did anything wrong to deserve that. He said that I was a nice guy and that I never bothered them. I was surprised to hear this coming out of his mouth especially since he was kind of a jerk when Thomas was staying with me.

Anyway, apparently there is more. Since R wasn't going for it, J went to the landlord and started complaining about R telling her that he smokes weed too much. Well the landlord called R about it and found out about what he said. Now it has become this huge thing. R and J don't even say anything to each other anymore. To be honest, I am not sure who to believe, but I don't know too much about J. With what R said about me, I was surprised to hear the nice things that he said about me. I've only heard R's story, but J never even said anything to me when he saw me. He only asked about my holiday and I told him. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but someone is leaving. R said that J may be leaving or that he may be leaving, but all I know is that I'm not really sure what to think of it all. I feel hurt though more than anything that anyone would do that, but I guess you can't really trust people you don't really know. I'm just as surprised that the situation involves me even when I wasn't around. This situation has made things any easier for me. I wish I knew what to do with my life. I'm so lost right now that all I want to do is sleep.

Ok, so you must be wondering what the title means. Well, for the first time in Fernando history, this Filipino Gay Guy has finally done something every other gay man has done before. Fernando has gone and hooked up with a guy. ::Gasp:: No! Are you sure? Yes, it is true. You are probably thinking. No. Not Fernando. He's this innocent little thing. That's just too nasty. I hate to break it to you all, but this little Filipino is horny. I am only human and... I'm horny as hell. So enough with all the Will & Grace quote references and down to the nitty-gritty. The last time I had sex was last October on Halloween when I met a Filipino guy. Yes. ::sigh:: I said Filipino guy. He was kind of cute in his own little way. That and he kept making out with me. I'm sure I wrote about this last time and the things I did at the park and then back at my place, but I digress. Anyway, all my friends have boyfriends, friends with benefits, f*ck buddies, etc. except for me. It gets really irritating when they ALWAYS seem to talk about how they are with their man and blah, blah, blah. I want to just barf. It's gotten to the point where porn just doesn't do it for me anymore. I hate to say it, but I need something else. Besides, I thought to myself a while back, how the hell am I going to meet people if I don't get out there. I am so not into bars. I only go to hang out with friends, but not to meet people. Same with clubs. I love dancing just like anybody else and I usually go with the company of friends, but that's it. Those venues are no way any place that I would go to meet a decent guy and I'm certainly not sure how to do it any other way, so I decided to go back online and chat.

I had posted a previous blog about my first experience back online on gay.com. I went online once again and saw someone that I had chatted with the first time that became my friend. Except he didn't respond at all when I sent him a message. There was another friend that I met through my friend Keith. I saw that he was online, so I chatted with him a bit. After a while, I received an instant message from a guy from Michigan. He didn't have a picture on his profile and he was 44 yrs old. I really didn't expect anything from it but a decent conversation. He told me that he was a programmer and immediately I thought about all the dorkables that were having lunch at the City Center downtown that were here for a convention. It turns out that he was down for a convention as well, but of a different type. We chatted about school, work, hobbies, etc. all the trivial stuff that usually seems to go on during these online chats. I was trying to tune my guitar as I wasn't too vested into the conversation at first. Then, he asked me what my plans were tonight. I told him that I was just going to practice my guitar and practice my solo for church. He wanted to see about getting together with someone at his hotel room and going from there.

We started talking more and he was very interested in Asian men. He talked about how Asian men drive him wild and how he get very hard when around them. Our conversation become more sexual in nature. We talked about what kind of things we liked to do. One of the things he mentioned was that smooth skin really turns him on. We talked about a few other things and the next thing you know, he invites me to his hotel room at the Parc 55 downtown. At one point, I did ask to see a picture of him, and he looked totally adorable. So, as horny as I was just chatting with him, I decided to go for it. I text message Will to let him know where I was going to be just in case, so that someone knows where I will be. I ran to the shower and cleaned up before heading out there. I must have been nervous as hell because my stomach was in pain. I didn't eat a lot or anything weird earlier that day, so it must have been nerves. I have been text messaging Tina and Will the whole time I was on the train heading towards downtown. I finally arrive after what seem liked hours and walked up the stairs from the underground.

I was just outside the hotel when I called Joe on his cell phone to let him know that I was near. He told me to come on up. I walked into the hotel and took the elevator to the sixth floor. I walked up to room 661 and knocked on the door. When the door opened, I was a bit in shock. The guy didn't look like the guy that was on the picture. The picture must have been a decade old because this guy was completely different from the picture. His hair wasn't blond like the picture. It was more of a light brown, but his eyes had a very nice blue tint to them. I walked in and sat down next to him on the couch. He had a king size bed that looked as if it already had been slept in. He had the television set on tuned to some sort of sports channel with basketball. He faced me and we started to chat for a bit. I really didn't look at him much when I was conversing with him. I often diverted my eyes to the television set while glancing in his direction every once in a while.

After a while, he asked if he could touch me. I agreed and he began to caress my arm. From there, he got a little closer and started touching me behind my neck. It was much longer before he started to take my shirt off. The only thing that came to my mind was, I'm horny so I might as well go along with it. He took of his shirt and he started to move his hands along my smooth arms and torso. My body began to pulsate due to the attention that it was receiving. It was nice to feel attractive and wanted. He continued to remove the rest of my clothes and the rest of his. There was one thing about him that was nice and it was his 6" cut cock. He guided me towards the bed and laid me down. He turned me so that I laid upon my stomach as he began to massage me. My body reacted to every movement of his hands as it ran up and down my back. He ran his ran his hands through every curvature of my body which relaxed me entirely. I had not pleasure him in anyway as of yet, though it seemed he was pleased with the touch of every inch of my body. He turned me over swiftly and placed his mouth upon the head of my phallus. Slowly he enveloped his mouth up and down my shaft bringing me pleasure that I haven't felt in years. He continued to touch me as he probed every inch of me with his tongue, mouth, and lips.

Eventually, he positioned me opposite of him where I would have easy access to his manhood that I found very enticing. I held my hand around it and slowly wrapped my lips around it as if I were licking a lollypop or a creamsicle ice cream for the very first time. I caressed it in my mouth slowly enjoying every inch of it that I could. It felt like it was my first time in a long time that I was able to wrap my mouth around a cock so nice and smooth. The head was just the right size for the remaining shaft. It looked so nice that I wanted to stare at it and lick it at the same time. After a while, he changed positions once again. He put me back on my stomach and began to play with my rear entrance. Before long, he positioned my body towards where he began rimming me. It wasn't long before I was in complete ecstasy. My body began to shudder towards every placement of his tongue. I could no longer hold it in and I began to moan with complete and utter pleasure. I hadn't felt this kind of pleasure in a long while. I think he knew that he found the ultimate area to pleasure me in. He continued to rim every inch of my rear to the point where I had to bite the bed covers just to keep me from yelling out in pure ecstasy. It was totally amazing.

After a while, he laid me on my back and just wanted to touch me again. I was still in awe from the pleasure I had received when he rimmed me from behind. As I recovered from it, he continued to touch my body again. He continued to finger my sphincter to get me to relax. Slowly as he caressed my body with his lips, he motioned his fingers into me to prepare for intercourse. I wasn't sure if I was ready for it because it has been a very long time since someone inserted themselves in me and he was very big. From previous experience, at least for me, the bigger the penis the less painful it was for me and the smaller the penis the MORE painful it was. Since this guy was 6", I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I grabbed the condom and lube from my backpack and prepared for the inevitable. He got me back on my stomach again and slowly attempted to penetrate me from behind, but it was too painful. I asked him to go slow, but it still was too painful going in. I switched positions to where I would ride him, but it just wouldn't go in. He was very nice about it, even though I myself was deeply disappointed, and no longer pursued it.

He took me to the shower and we washed each other up. He soaped up my body and grabbed my penis from behind me where he slowly jacked me off. I put my hand behind me to find his penis and did the same. He continued to lather me up with soap touching each others body before eventually laying in the small bath tub as it filled up with water. My body laid against his as he continued to soap my body up and down. He had this smile that made things feel ok, even though I was disappointed about the failed rear entry. After a while, we got out of the bath tub and dried each other off. We went back to the bed where we continued to attempt to pleasure each other more. He once again got me on my back, but this time pushed my legs towards me for easy access to my butt where he began rimming me again. Once again I was in pure ecstasy and in a different position. Eventually, we laid back side by side. I took hold of his cock and slowly started to masturbate him. He had pre-cum oozing out of his penis the whole time. I could feel it run down my hand as I continued to pleasure him with my left hand and I with my right. His body began to shudder and before long he ejaculated. Cum spewed all over his body and my arm. And for the first time, I was able to get off (even though I was jacking off myself) with him. It was nice. After laying there a while, he got up to clean himself off and grabbed a towel soaked in warm water for me to wipe myself off.

We laid there a while watching the sports news that was currently on at the time. I turned to him and saw that his eyes were closed and he was tired. All I could think about was that I was hungry and I didn't want to stay. Eventually, I got up and got dressed. It was around 10PM and I didn't want to miss the train back home. I told him that I had to go and he understood. He needed to get to bed because he had to get up the next morning at 8am for the last day of the convention. I grabbed all my stuff and thanked him before I left. As I got into the elevator, a cute guy held the elevator for me. He had just started his shift and helped me get to where I needed to go. As I walked out of the hotel, I felt a bit afflicted by the whole situation. Don't get me wrong, it was pleasurable and I was finally able to get off, but something continued to trouble me.

My mind raced as I attempted to figure out my feelings of discontent. My body was in anguish by feelings of hunger, so I decided to look for something to eat. I was craving tacos, but there was no taco bell that I knew of around. However, there was a Del Taco nearby, so I headed over there. There were a few cute guys there, one of which was from the game developers convention occurring at Moscone center. Anyway, I sat there and ate my tacos alone with these feelings running within me. I couldn't take it anymore. After I finished eating, I headed down towards the Montgomery station and waited for my train to arrive. Tina had called me, but I somehow missed it. So I called her and we attempted to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Was it because the guy misrepresented himself in his photo? Was it because I was not sexually attracted to him? Or was it because for the first time, I could not perform sexually? I really wasn't too sure for I am cursed with obsessive-compulsive notion to psycho-analyze my feelings in every fashion necessarily possible. Tina managed to calm me down momentarily until I got on the train and had more time to think about it. I came up with several conclusions one of which was due to the attraction factor which only seemed to satisfy me temporarily. I also called up Will and discussed this notion further. He had identified several possibilities about the situation. It was concluded that this was an experience to learn from. He suggested that for future reference always ask for more than one picture and that not all of the experiences are going to be the same. The only thing that lingers is my sexual prowess. I have always been complemented and blown away my sexual partners with my sexual abilities. I have always walked away with them being satisfied. For the first time, I felt like a failure and that I no longer have anything to offer in the boudoir. This a conundrum that is going to bother me for a long while.

I know it has been a while since I've last written in here. My check that I have been waiting for finally arrived and I went on kind of a spending spree. I know, I know. I don't have a job. Why the hell am I spending money? Well, I totally deserve it. I've been waiting for it and I worked really damn hard to get it. This is my way of telling the universe that I deserve everything that I get. I bought me some shoes along with $75 gift card that I received from my God daughter for Christmas. I went to the Skechers store downtown and this really cute guy helped me out. He was totally my type... tall, thin, very nice eyes, great smile, and to top it all of... he is gay. He helped me out a lot. He spent the entire time with me helping me try out all sorts of shoes. I tried out those Shape Ups shoes which were actually pretty cool. I didn't think they felt weird at all. Unfortunately, every shoe that I tried on after that felt different. Poor guy, I must have requested to try on at least a dozen pairs of shoes, he had to go up and down the stairs to get them. I had no idea that he had gone upstairs because he pretty much disappeared like he was the flash or something. Anyway, I ended up leaving there with three shoes, one shape up, one regular nice pair of tennis shoes, and a pair of dress shoes. I hope the Jerome gets a pretty decent commission from me since I took up so much of his time.

I finally went on got my haircut as well. I hate that my hair grows out so fast. It sprouts out like one of those dandelions that you see along the side of the road, but in this case, the hair doesn't fall out. Now that I think about it, that might be a really bad thing for my hair to fall out like that. I had arranged an appointment with him the day prior for 10:30am. Of course, I was totally running late. It was a good thing that he was running late too because I would have felt bad. I finally found a parking spot in the Castro and went up to wait for him. I sat down and started skimming through a magazine with hot men contained within. He said that he was going to be 5 minutes, but I didn't factor in gay time. I ended up waiting 20 minutes which really wasn't much of a big deal since I really didn't have anything pressing to do anyway. Eventually he arrived and I got on the chair waiting further instructions. He asked me how I wanted my hair as he usually does and I told him that I wanted it short on the sides, but that I wanted to be able to have the messy look on top. For the first time he was able to get the idea of what kind of haircut I wanted. We did the usual, talk about my life and get him up to speed. I gave him the latest drama that seemed to evolve around my uninteresting and boring life which he always seemed to show interest in genuinely. He did his usual stuff, listen, then advise me on it. It's like a two for one deal where you get psycho-therapy and a haircut at the same time. I felt like I talked too much, so I asked him how things were going with him.

He moved into the City from the East Bay which explained him being a bit late, but not the issue. He also talked about his boyfriends play that premiered in New York. He said that it was very funny and had the same thoughts that the critics had for the play. I'm totally interested in seeing it as I am very much into the artistry of theater. He washed my hair and cleaned me up a bit before he had finished my hair. He gave me a little bit of advice about the use of product, such as shampooing my hair only once a week to keep it from drying out my scalp. I wish I knew this sooner because it is pretty embarrassing when my scalp is dried out and I have no idea. That and I should be conditioning my hair a lot more than I should. This is good for me because I haven't the slightest idea about that stuff. I know what you're thinking, "Bad. Bad gay man." Eh, I know that I'm not your typical gay man living in San Francisco. I'm pretty much not your typical gay man at all. Okay, there maybe a few quirks in me that suggest otherwise, but I digress. A lot of other minor things have gone on, but that's pretty boring.

I just got back from hangin' out with Jamie, Sunny, Elizer, and Jeffrey. We met up to see Alice in Wonderland in 3-D. It was pretty cool and interesting. I'm really liking all these movies that have different interpretations of popular books. Afterward, we headed over to BJ's Restaurant for dinner. It was really nice to hang out with them again. It seems like a long time since I last saw them all together. We had a really nice time conversing about stuff and discussing certain sexual innuendos targeted at Eli. He is such an easy target. At one point, Jeff and I talked about the latest flicks that I have purchased. And with the current financial crisis I've been going through, I told him that I have finally been able to watch some of the movies that I haven't got to yet. Movies such as, Bart Got A Room, I Love You Beth Cooper, to name a few. They were rather interesting movies. After a delicious dinner and conversation, we ended our evening of fun.

I headed home and went online to check my email, Facebook, etc. Of course, nothing eventful was going on. I started to "Think." Oh yes, probably one of THE most dangerous things to do when you are alone and depressed. I thought about how come it is so difficult for me to meet people. The clubs don't do it for me. The bars definitely doesn't do it for me. So, what is it? How else do I meet other people? Other than those two types of venues, I really don't know of any other place to meet people, let alone chat. Then, it hit me. I can try chatting online. The instant messaging if you will. Where can I go? How can I go about it? I mean its been quite a long while since I've done it. I mean seriously, the last time I "chatted" was back when AOL was at its prime. Since then, I've been shy as f*ck and for what? Why am I being shy? It's not like they are right in front of me, face to face, expecting me to exonerate myself to them. Yet, I realized how else was I going to meet people. I could take myself to the Castro and exploit myself there, but what good would that do. What harm could it do? The hell with it.

I went on to Gay.com and updated my profile. Then, I logged on to the SF chat room. There were 25 people maximum, none of which said a word to each other. It was really odd. I can only assume that they were checking out all the other people's profiles in the chat room and if they didn't find anyone they liked, they would leave. When I got in there, probably 20-25% were Asian, the other 20-25% were twink-ish, about 10% were from cities outside of California, about 15% were looking to hook-up, while the remaining it seems were just there to have a presence. I decided to just stay on there while I watched Will & Grace in the background. I sent a message to one guy with the profile name Muse3. Since I enjoy Greek Mythology, I thought I would just tell him that I liked his profile name. He didn't respond. Hmmm... I guess this is what led me to avoid the whole chat room in the first place, but whatever. He was a twink and all I wanted was to chat with people. I sent a message to this other guy who had lived in Italy for three years, so it stated in his profile. I attempted to start a conversation with him, so I asked him what was living in Italy like? He began asking me to tell me about myself and I did. Unfortunately, I felt like I was doing all the talking. He would just respond with a word or two and that was pretty much it. I guess that was strike two for me.

After a while, a guy sent me a message and started chatting with me. He was nice. I found out that he is 43 yrs old and lives in Oakland. He messaged me due to my profile name. We started chatting about music. He is currently in the Oakland Gay Men's Chorus and he is a teacher of History and Government. We continued to have a conversation about music. He had quite a vast knowledge of Classical Music repertoire, some of which I was not familiar. He asked me if I was part of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus. I told him that I was more interested in singing Classical rather than Popular. He talked about his group doing a Classical piece and invited me to check out their concert in April where they will be performing Cherubini's Requiem in D minor. I told him that I would consider going as I do enjoy classical choral music, especially an all male piece. We had a pretty decent conversation. Then, he had suggested about getting together to meet tomorrow after church. I started to feel just a little uncomfortable. I told him that I had plans after church, even though I had none. Yeah, I know. What could it hurt? He wanted to meet up at Powell and because of my financial situation, that was not possible. Then I thought about it, am I just going against the whole purpose of me meeting new people. I told him that maybe we could do it next weekend. He suggested seeing some recital at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music on Saturday. I told him that would be nice. I gave him my email to remind me about it on Friday.

The next guy I chatted with was a guy with an interesting profile name. I checked out his profile and saw that his ethnicity said mix. So, I asked him what mix he was? He said why I asked? I told him because that was what it said on his profile... to ask. He laughed and told me that he is a mixture of native and Caucasian. I thought to myself, that's a nice mix. He had glasses in the picture that he had on his profile, so I couldn't really tell what he looked like. We started out talking casually about how he was doing and whatnot. I found out that he is a contractor and in my mind the only contractor I have any knowledge about are the ones at FedEx, but I digress. I asked him what kind and he just said general contractor. I still have no idea what a contractor does as I believe there are many types of contractors out there. I decided to ditch the question and move on since I have no idea what type of contractor he is. I found out that he travels a lot. He had just returned from Hawaii and is planning to go to Chicago and Texas in the near future. I thought that was exciting. We also talked about the gay community and how fake everyone seems to be. He mentioned how everyone is trying to fit the "gay image," an idea that I never really thought about. We had a pretty good conversation about that. This by far was THE best conversation that I have ever had online. Before he had to go he introduced himself as Joe and he accepted my friend request. I told him that I would be looking forward to chatting with him in the future.

At the same time, another guy sent me a message as I was talking to Joe. He was a mechanic for some health care company in Berkeley. He was Caucasian and the same age as I. The conversation with this guy was pretty interesting. This guy didn't beat around the bush. He started out with, "looks like you have a nice butt to be behind." I asked him how he could tell. He responded, "well you 5'4 and looks by the pic that your built well." I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. I kept conversing with him anyway. The guy lives in Vallejo, works in Berkeley, was born in Burlingame, and grew up in Lake County. After finding about his job and stuff, he got really down and dirty. He said, "I love a pinoy ass I can shoot inside of." I said, "Really?" And he said, "yes as I love to leave my mark." I thought to myself... yikes. Don't get me wrong, I think barebacking is hot. You know how when things are taboo, it's hot. I like to watch those types of porn because it is hot and it gets me off, but in the real world... No! So, I told him that unfortunately I don't do bareback. From that point on, the conversation went from slim to none. Ahhh... men. They are only out for one thing. I'm sorry, but I am too old to be "hooked up." Whatever. I decided it was time to go and it was definitely getting late. I had to be up and ready for church tomorrow since I didn't attend rehearsal on Wednesday. I'm off to bed.

The title comes from a quote from Karen Walker on Will & Grace. I had a pretty good conversation with Will today about random stuff. I had walked nine blocks to meet up with him in front of his house. I remember thinking how nice it was outside and how good it felt to walk and be outside. I realized that staying inside my room all day was making me all depressed. I really need to stop and get out more even if it is just for a walk up and down the beach. It was very cold walking those nine blocks. I didn't want to put my hands in my pocket, but by the time I reached my destination my hands were stone cold. Anyway, Will and I talked about various different issues. Most of which began to stir up in my mind... where am I going with my life? what is my purpose? what am I afraid of? etc. I talked about all the things that I planned for that never ended up panning out. I really don't know what that's all about. The only thing I can thing of is that karma is getting back to me. I really don't know what I did wrong, but it's kicking my ass. We discussed music, life in San Francisco, and finding out about ourselves. I know I'm a lot older than most of my friends and it just seems like I never stop living and learning. I feel like I've lived a lot. I've gone through a lot. I've struggled a lot and life has been hard. I'm wondering if I'm making it hard or if that's what's laid out for me on my path in life.

I really don't know how to go about it all. There is a lot of things that I am learning about myself. I admitted to Will that I have a lot of Pride. I really hate asking money from friends and family. That's why when I went off to college, I never asked anything of my father because he had his own stuff to deal with as well as taking care of my younger siblings. I know life has dealt us crappy cards and I don't know why. I feel like my family has been doomed from the get go. Unless I was selfish and had no clue about what else was going on. Sometimes, I just don't understand why things happen the way they do. Don't get me wrong, as much as I struggled, I learned quite a bit and it has definitely made me stronger. Yet, why do I feel weak somehow. All I know is that I'm very thankful for the support of the family and friends that I had through all those times. I just think it's time for me to be happy for once. I want to get married with a guy who can love and take care of me as I will do him. I want to have kids with him and live in a beautiful house on a hill overlooking the San Francisco Bay. I want to be surrounded by my friends and family at all times and be able to support them as they have for me. I know this is a lot of wishful thinking, but this is what I want. I deserve to happy just like everybody else. As much as I want this, I know it all starts with me. I'm really not sure how to go about it yet, but I hope to figure it out soon.

I know that I want a relationship. I want a boyfriend. Heck, I want to start dating, I just need to figure out how. The first thing I need to do though is take care of myself. For the longest time, ever since my parents divorced, I've been the nurturing caretaker of the family. After twenty years, it has become second nature to me. It is totally automatic. All of my friends and family, most of which are younger than me, I've taken under my wing. I can't help it. I'm the mother. I know that sometimes I overstep my boundaries though, but I don't realize it most of the time because I'm used to it. So, for those of you reading this, just tell me to stop being your mother. Let me know. I may get but hurt, but I will understand. Anyway, that is one thing I need to work on. I can't help it. I just care a lot. Maybe too much. I'm going to start going to the gym regularly. Once things start to settle down, I'm going to get involved and volunteer. Also, I'm going to look into some type of group that will help me deal with things. I don't know. Some kind of group that I can be a part of to help figure things out as well as meet new people. I guess that's a start. Well, I'm starting to run out of things to write about. So, I will end it here. Until next time.

Yesterday, I spent some time with my friend Marla. I hadn't seen or talked to her in over a year. She was at the King Tut exhibit at Deyoung Museum in Golden Gate park. When I headed over there, there were so many people. I was getting lost trying to find which garden they were at. I didn't realize there were so many gardens there. Goodness gracious, I really need to get out more. Anyway, I picked them up and headed to Ocean Beach. We walked down the beach and caught up each other with our lives. I told her about quitting my job and she was very happy for me. To put it in her own words, "It was about time." She was right, but I did have to do it on my own and figure it out for myself. I caught her up with me, she caught me up with her, Mike caught me up with him. We caught up a lot with each other and the great part of it all was that we are happy. It was so great to see Marla so happy. She was smiling a lot which is a lot different since the last time I saw her. It's a great thing. I think we walked down to Noriega and then headed back up stopping by Java Beach for coffee before walking back to my car.

We hung out staring out at the beautiful view of the ocean with the sun in the background. It was beautiful. We stayed there for a while and chatted about random stuff before we went to my house for them to checkout. I showed them around the house and then to my room. After a while, we headed out for dinner. Originally I had planned to take them to Marni Thai for dinner, but it was a bit out of their price range since they were on a budget. They wanted something more like Applebee's. I suggested Olive Garden. So, we headed over there. I took the Great Highway, but it took forever. Marla was freaking out because of the crazy drivers her in the City. A car drove right in front of me. Idiot! Anyway, I found some parking and just parked. It was a bit further away, but not a problem. I checked in and there was a 25 to 45 minute wait for tables. It wasn't a big deal since I was starving. We chatted a bit more until we were seated.

Our waiter's name was Joshua that was on his name tag, but he introduced himself as Josh. He offered a sample of Castello del Poggio Moscato wine and I "LOVED" it. It was so good. We talked about random stuff. I had my Zupa Toscana, the soup that I just adore. For the entree, I had Pork Milanese with spinach and cheese tortellini. It was so good. Marla talked about another wine that she loved. She asked Josh if I can have a sample of it. It was called Principato Rosato. He brought it over and it was good. I'm not much of a wine person since I'm still trying to get into it, but I'm glad that I got to taste these. While we waited for our check, Marla was telling me about this show she watched on VH1 called the top 100 funniest pranks. When she was telling me the top 4 that she was able to see, I was dying of laughter. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard that I cried. It was such a great time. As dinner started to end, we asked for our check. Josh was a pretty good waiter, so I tipped him well. He always had a smile on his face and was very pleasant to us. After dinner, I drove them to the Embarcadero BART station. It was great to see them both. I told Marla that the one thing that I noticed about her was how much she smiled. It made me happy to see her so happy and I'm glad to finally see that for her. I'm very happy for her. Today was definitely a good day.

Will had called me up last night asking me to meet up with him. So at around 6:30pm I had got ready and headed out the door. I called him up as soon as I pulled up to his house. It turns out that I was supposed to meet him up in the Castro. My goodness, there has to be a better way to communicate out here. People just cannot hear me where I live or maybe I can't hear them. Anyway, reception sucks out here. It wasn't too much of a big deal, at least not until I get to the Castro. It's 7pm and there is no place to park. I practically drove around for an hour trying to find parking in the Castro. It was ridiculous. I was totally getting irritated. Eventually I found a parking spot. It was two blocks away from the Castro and I didn't have to worry about some nutbag hitting my car on the right side since it was a driveway. Score!

Anywho, I headed over to the corner of Market and Castro in front of Diesel where I usually meet up Will. I call him up, but he didn't answer. I thought that was kind of weird. I decided to text him and he ends up calling me a few minutes later. It turns out he was meeting up with his friends to retrieve the amp that he was borrowing. He called me back and told me he was in front of the theater. I started heading over to the theater and saw him talking on his phone as I was crossing the street. It's uncanny how I can pick him out of a crowd especially now that I don't have 20/15 vision anymore or so I think. I haven't been checked out in over a decade now. Eek! I really should get that done. I finally meet up with him and we head over to the car to put away the amp.

At this point, I really wanted to do something. Especially with the whole ordeal with the parking situation and all. I wanted to take advantage of my parking spot and do something on a Friday night. Will discussed options of what we were going to do and kept asking me what I wanted to do. To be honest, I really didn't care. The fact that I was out, on a Friday night for that matter, okay!!!!!!! Anyway, I just said f' it dude, let's just be spontaneous and do whatever. So that's exactly what we did. He took me to the Midnight Sun which is a bar that I have never been to. And for the first time, I didn't get carded. How awesome is that? When we get it, the place was packed. Will told me that it was Bear weekend or something like that. So, all the bears are out. I never experienced it, so why the heck not. The bar wasn't was I thought I had imagined it. I knew that it was like a video bar and stuff, at least that's what I had heard through word of mouth. I always imagined it to be dark like the other bars, but it was pretty well lit.

I met Will's friend Ben which happened to be celebrating his birthday that day. He's cute. What I liked about him was his smile. He has a great smile which instantly attracted me to him. Not only that, he just had this aura about him. He's a really sweet guy. Will bought me my first two drinks since it was two for one. At this point, I had totally forgotten that I hadn't eaten anything since lunch which probably wasn't such a good idea. I down the first drink pretty fast and worked on my second one. Ben introduced me to his friend Mohammed who was cute too. I actually met a few other people, but I don't remember their names. I'm surprised that I remembered Ben and Mohammed. I actually liked the bar. The people are a lot nicer. The guy next to me talked to me for a bit which is unusual. People usually don't talk to me at bars. They usually have attitude like they are the sh*t or something. Oh... the gays. Anywho, for the first time I didn't feel like that there. I was actually comfortable. Then again, it could've been the alcohol. I don't know how many drinks I had total, but I must have had at least six there because people bought me drinks. Uncanny how that works. To get drunk without spending your own money. That's genius.

After a while, we headed over to Badlands with Ben. I'm not sure how exactly we got there because I really don't remember that part. I'm sure we walked though. I don't even remember being carded going into Badlands and I ALWAYS get carded there. I don't even know if I drank there at all. I do remember dancing however. I LOVE dancing. I'm so glad that I have friends that dance. Not many of my friends care to dance and it makes me sad. I don't know what else to say because all I can remember is dancing and I was having so much fun dancing. I didn't give a crap about any guy or being judged by some queen or twink. I was just having so much fun dancing whether it was with Will, Ben, and even myself. Thank goodness for the dancing because I started to sober up a bit. Will had to go to work the next day so we left the bar at some point. At what time I had no idea. We did stop by the pizza place and had a slice of pizza. OMG, we were both so drunk. After having the pizza and several cups of water, I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I wanted to throw up and I do NOT want to throw up.

We headed back to my car and I started to feel a little bit better and comfortable driving. I still had that feeling of throwing up. I took the back roads home and almost feel asleep on the road to Will's house. I dropped him off and headed home. Of course, there was no where to park, so I just parked in front of the house blocking the driveway on the street. OMG, my head hurt so bad. I wanted to puke so bad. I went up to my room, stripped off all of my clothes, drank a little bit of water and passed out on my bed. I woke up this morning the biggest hangover ever. If I had to rate it, it would be the second worst hangover I've ever had. Number one being the day after I got to Anaheim for Gayday. Let's just say, I almost missed out on an entire day at Disneyland. I didn't get to go to the park until 3pm. Anyway, I drank a lot more water and laid down for a while. I didn't start feeling better until I cooked and ate breakfast. Last night was definitely an interesting night.

Finally I received my income tax return refund. I was so excited I pretty much went on a shopping spree because I deserve it. I took myself to Jollibee for breakfast because I was craving garlic fried rice and corned beef. That is after stopping by FedEx Kinko's (umm... excuse me... FedEx Office) to see about getting something notarized, but of course they didn't offer those type of services at this particular one that I went to. Then, I went to fill up an other was very empty gas tank for my car at the nearest and cheapest Chevron gas station in the City. I headed over to Best Buy to get the latest movies that came out on the DVD this past Tuesday. I bought Couples Retreat, The Time Traveler's Wife, and Stargate Universe. I was tempted to get the Transformers: Season 2, Volume 2, but the box looked like crap and I like my things looking nice. If anything is going to look like crap, it is going to be because I did it myself.

I had called up my hair stylist, Jose about getting a haircut. I needed someone to fix the disaster that I did two weeks ago with my hair. Anyway, we set up a time and I headed over to the Castro. It took me a while to look for parking. Fortunately, it didn't take me to long before I found a parking spot just a block away from the hair salon. Since my appointment wasn't for a half hour, I headed over to the Body Shop for some body wash that I ran out of. I even purchased a back brush or whatever it's called to reach the part of my back that needs attention. After I had finished purchasing my items, I headed over to the hair salon. I got stopped by a guy wanting me to make a donation to Greenpeace. Don't get me wrong. I love my planet and would love to do anything to support it, but I just felt uncomfortable writing down my account information. Not only that, while the guy was talking to me, I could easily see the guys inside the restaurant behind him looking at me. I felt like I was a guinea pig or something. I asked him if I could do it online. He said that I could, but he just wouldn't get paid for the transaction. I felt bad, but I just wasn't comfortable with it. I asked him to let me think about it. I had to get going anyway because I was going to be late with my appointment.

I made to the hair salon on time and fortunately Jose was still cutting someone's hair when I got there. The guy getting his haircut said hi. I smiled and responded back. I picked up a magazine to skim through while I waited. I thought the guy getting his haircut was gay. He was an older gentleman who looked cute. It turns out he is married. My goodness, I need to get better with my gaydar. It's totally non-existent at this point. Eventually, Jose finished the guy and it was my turn. It's been a long time since I talked to Jose. I had made attempted to setup appointments with him twice last month and both times he was out of town. Basically, we had a lot to catch up on. Hair stylist are great to talk to and Jose is pretty cool. He saw the disaster of a haircut that I did to myself and asked me why I didn't go to him sooner. I told him the reason and he said that I could have paid him back. Eh... shoulda, coulda, woulda right? Anyway, it was nice to finally have a decent haircut. It wasn't perfect, but it was so much than what I could have done with it. After it was all done, I paid him with the usual tip and thanked him for cutting my hair.

I left the salon and headed over to the book store just to check out what they have. On my way there, there was girl trying to talk to me about Greenpeace too, but I told her that I already talked to the other guy. Her response was, you haven't talked to me. I politely responded with a thank you and waited to cross the street. I got to the bookstore and started looking around. I was thinking of purchasing a magazine, but then I decided against it. I wanted to get the next book in the Wicked series, but they didn't have it. Oh well. I trekked back up to my car and went to get some lunch at the mall. I went to this chicken place at Stonestown that has like really, really good chicken strips. They are thick pieces breaded and fried to perfection served with a side of shoestring potato fries and a piece of grilled toast. I was surprised that I couldn't finish it all. I usually eat everything. I boxed it up and took the rest home.

Since I just got paid, I need to do some desperate grocery shopping. I was so sick and tired of eating spam and vienna sausages with rice for the past week. I had been grocery shopping since the third week of January, so I really needed to do this. Before I went to Trader Joe's, I stopped by Border's bookstore to look for a cookbook. The moment I walked in there, I just roamed around. I'm so used to the Barnes & Noble bookstore layout that I was practically getting lost trying to locate the recipe books. I really didn't want to spend too much on a cookbook. I just wanted a starter recipe book. I went to the bargain section and rummaged through the plethora of books laid around in really no particular order. Goodness gracious. It's a disaster, but I wasn't in the mood to be re-arranging books. Anyway, I really couldn't find anything that I liked. I seriously don't know what I was really looking for. I just wanted something that would enable to me cook simple entrees and vegetables to improve my food intake, but some the recipes were way out there. I wasn't very satisfied with their selection, so I headed out and headed over to the Trader Joe's next door.

I purchased some healthy alternatives from vegetables to cheeses and frozen food at Trader Joe's. I was there for quite a while. I had completely filled my reusable bag and started carrying other items under my arm. I think I should purchase another one. Anyway, the girl at the checkout was rather nice. She was able to put it all in the bag. It was fantastic. I stopped by the post office to get my mail and headed over to the Safeway on the way to my house on Noriega. I had to stop by because not only did I forget to purchase some items, but Safeway is the only place that has lactose free milk. Thank goodness for that. After that I headed home and almost got into an accident with a motorcycle in front of my house. I really had no idea. All I know is that I turned into a driveway and this motorcycle had come out of nowhere. The motorcyclist stopped and stared me down. I just looked at him like wtf? Motorcyclist think they are all bad and have the right of way just because they can swoop around a turn like they own the freakin' road. Oh please. Whatever. I just parked and said f' it. I went into my house, put away all of my groceries and stocked the shelves. My cabinet is now full of groceries. I'm so happy that I won't have to eat canned meat anymore. Yuck!

I really didn't do much today. All I know is that I'm getting pretty tired of spam. I got to find an alternative food to eat. I need more salads. I definitely need to be more productive with my life. I'm finding myself wanting to take naps again. I was a bit productive though. I called my doctor's office to get the last three blood pressure readings that I had when I had visited the doctor. I don't know why this matters since these were all taken when I was sick. I'm currently applying for health insurance and they are asking me all these questions. One of the questions concerns my taking anti-depressant pills. I had stopped taking them for almost two weeks now and I'm mentally well. I told the person interviewing me that when I stopped working, I no longer needed the medication. At times I thought I needed it, when situations like crying while listening to a CD with sad music. Then again, I did that even before I went on the medication. I'm just a sensitive person.

Anyway, I practiced the guitar for a little bit. I'm trying to get callouses on my fingers so that I can get used to playing. I'm currently learning G Major and a minor. Unfortunately, I can only play for so long because my wrist starts to hurt. At least I'm starting to sound a bit better. After that, I went to get ready for choir rehearsal. I left at around 6PM and got to the church early. So, I sat in my car and text messaged a few people. One of them was a friend that I had made through my friend Kelly. When I first met him, I thought it he was okay and a bit dry. Then, I felt bad for him because Kelly ousted him for something that wasn't even his fault. Anyway, it just seems like every time we chat, there's just something about him that makes me feel bored. I talked to him for a while before I rehearsal started.

Choir rehearsal was pretty interesting. There weren't many women as there were when I first came to the rehearsal. They still talked while they were being directed to sing. There was even one point when I was the only one singing because they didn't pay attention. This is something I just got to get used to. The guy who sat next to me swoops up to his note and I just keep noticing it. They don't know when to come in or count beats. Fortunately Angelo the choir director is pretty patient with them. I guess you have to be in a church choir full of older ladies. It seems as if we were a bit more productive this time around though. After rehearsal, a few of the ladies complimented me on my voice and talked about the church choir before now.

I got to my car and went to visit my ex-coworkers. Alvin told me that he had changed his time and that he was leaving a half hour earlier than before. I don't get to talk to them often, so I try visit and take advantage of printing and copying stuff while I'm there. Alvin had pretty much expressed his unhappiness with me. He kept asking me if I was going to continue to do this every week. I felt like I was annoying him. So, I quickly did what I needed to do and left. I kept thinking about how he made me feel and how I must have made him feel. I've started to realize that they've pretty much moved on without me and that it is time that I do the same. Not only that, I know that Alvin has changed a lot working there. That's when I realized that he is going through exactly what I went through. That damn company changes you and turns you into a person that you are not.

I'm pretty thankful that I don't work there anymore. I think about how all those people, my ex-coworkers were the same people who caused all the problems in the first place. They are vindictive, back-stabbing people only looking out for themselves. I realize know that I never fit in there. That's why I was unhappy these past three years. It turned me into someone that I'm not. It turned me into a monster and I treated some people badly who didn't deserve it. It's funny how the drama continues even after I'm gone. The flamboyant drama queen told everyone that I sabotaged the computer system. The person who was absent a lot that wanted me to stay and take the brunt of all the heat. The other one with whom tried so many different ways to make me stay was the same one who was complaining about me in the first place. It's funny how I was not like that. I always tried to create a better working relationship with everyone, but I guess I was the only one. Amongst many, many other things, that was really the last straw. All I know now is that Karma really is a bitch and I don't feel sorry for them at all. They get what they deserve.

I am so happy and thankful now that I am no longer stressed and depressed about that job. That I don't have to worry about all the back-stabbing drama that goes on at that place. All the unnecessary stress that goes on because of the bi-polar leadership that they have there. It not only occurs there, but throughout that company. It seems like it's a requirement. I can only foresee that company go down the toilet a bit. I'm so happy now that I have a social life. I can go out and hang out with friends without being tied down my a job that doesn't take me anywhere. I don't need those damn anti-depressants and I finally have the time to go to the gym and get myself back in shape. I can now focus on me and who I am as a person. I have this time to re-discover my true self and who I really am. I can shed off this disgusting personality that that damn place made me and be my true self.

So to re-iterate, I'm so happy and thankful that I don't work for a place that changes people into someone they are not. It is time that I move on with my life and leave the past behind. Leave it all behind. Let go the people. Let go of the place. Let go of all the evil that it represented and keep moving forward. I am finally happy. Thank God Almighty, I am finally happy. There's no turning back now. My focus is on what I see ahead of me and that is my own happiness. No one else but mine. The only one's that I am taking with me are the friends and family who only want me to be happy. Everyone else can just stay behind and f*ck off. Hasta la vista FedEx.

I'm so proud of myself. I finally got up this morning and went to the gym. I was tossing and turning in bed when I got up at around 5:30AM this morning. I tried to go back to sleep, but I just couldn't do it. I finally just got myself up, brushed my teeth, changed into my gym clothes and drove to the gym this morning. Thankfully it had stopped raining. All I had to do when I get in my car and drive there. I thought I was going to have a problem with parking, but fortunately there were still spaces in the garage before 6:00AM. I went to the front desk to ask about a parking pass and it turns out that my dues were not paid for this month. I guess they couldn't charge it to my credit card. I was about to leave when she gave me a sticker to put in my car after I finished the gym and she let me go in to work out. There were quite a few people in there, but I wasn't surprised. I just went straight to the Elliptical machine and did about a half hours worth of cardio. Thank goodness for my iPod to help me stay motivated.

While I was doing cario, I noticed a guy's butt through the reflection in one of the mirror. I couldn't see his face from the view. After a while, I saw what he looked like when he got off the machine. He was kind of cute. When I was done, I went to go refill my water bottle to stay hydrated. I went to work on my lats and did three sets of 25, then I went to work on my triceps downstairs. As I was working on one of the triceps machine, I noticed this guy checking me out through the mirror while he was doing curls. He was definitely cute. I didn't stare at him though like I usually do. I had one goal in mind and that was to go to the gym regularly and get back into shape. I decided to go home after that. I really didn't want to over do it this time. The one thing that I was glad about was the fact that there weren't too many gym buddies there this morning. There were more people of my size there who were trying to lose weight as well. I went to the locker room and went to change back into my other shoes as the guys around me were getting ready to shower. I really didn't focus on them at all. I just changed and headed out to the car.

I started to notice that my toe was hurting again. I got to remember to put a band-aid on that so that it won't hurt anymore. I wonder if they have anything out there to keep your toes separated and not squished together. I felt good after working out though. I drove back home and was able to park back in my spot in front of the house. I went in to put away my stuff and cooked up some oatmeal for breakfast. I cleaned up the kitchen since I cooked chicken soup last night. I used a lot of utensils, pots, and pans to cook it. I finished my oatmeal with blueberries and took some Centrum vitamins to improve my health. I'm so happy.

This morning I went to my first mass singing with a church choir at the St. Dunstan Church. I was a very involved practicing Catholic before I stopped going due to differences in belief ie. me being gay, so the mass wasn't new to me at all. It was like something that sticks with you and you never forget. It was pretty cool to be singing again. The only thing that was weird was the part of the mass where you are supposed to show each other the sign of peace. The masses that I have worshiped and attended, we shook hands at this point. When this part of the mass came, the people didn't shake hands. The showed the palm of their hands and that was it. It really threw me off because I was like... wtf? Ok. I guess I'm just a weirdo, but whatever. Anyway, the accompanist had a very nice voice. After mass ended, I complimented her on her voice and she complimented on mine even though I felt like I was forcing my voice. I was one of three guys that were there.

After church, I had planned to go hang out with my friend Sunny and Jamie. I didn't get to hang out with them last time since I was attending Tina's Pleasure Party, so I figured since I was already in the peninsula, that I would stop by and visit. It was a pretty cool day hanging out with them since I hadn't had any sort of contact with any friends since the previous weekend. I guess that would make me a loner, huh? Anyway, their puppies were excited to seem and kept coming over to lick my hands. One of the puppies started to hump my leg, but I didn't notice since he's like 95lbs of hugeness. They were watching Jeffrey on Logo and it's been a while since I've seen that show. I went back and forth between rooms since Jamie was in the office on his computer. Sunny was wanting to have Irish Lamb Stew for dinner and it was Jamie's turn to cook. So, he picked out a recipe from the food network website and printed out a recipe. It said that it needed a Dutch oven to cook the stew. Here I was thinking that a Dutch oven was an actual oven, but it turned out that it's like a specialized type of cookware.

We went to Target to purchase a Dutch oven and then to Whole foods to get the ingredients for the stew. There were a lot of cuties at the store. There was this one tall, blond, blue-eyed white guy with glasses who was totally clean cut. He was hot. I kept checking him out whenever he walked by me, but of course he was married. After we got all the ingredients for the stew we headed over to the checkout. As we waited, this really cute guy with glasses and tattoos named TJ invited us over to his register. He reminded me of Milo Ventimiglia from Heroes. Nice, tall, skinny white boy with glasses with black clean cut hair. Jamie couldn't figure out if he was gay or not because he was clean cut, but he had the tattoos all over his arms. I don't have much gaydar, but then again I am attracted to those straight boys.

We headed back to their place where Sunny made sandwiches for lunch. Another movie from Logo was on called the Big Eden. I've always wanted to see it. I recognized one of the main actors, but I couldn't figure out his name. He was cute, but I didn't see the movie from the beginning, so I didn't really know what was going on. I wish we had Logo here at the house, but I don't know. I might have to invest in it in the future. Jamie started to prepare the stew while Sunny cleaned house from all the pet dander from the two puppies that they had shed. There was a weeks worth on the floor. I helped them out by washing and putting away clean dishes. I know they didn't want me to help out, but I wanted to especially since they fed me and were going to feed me more. After the movie was done and Sunny was finished vacuuming, he and I played Scrabble and watched the second disc of Glee. After a while, Sunny's friend (fag hag) Eva, came by to hang out as well. She brought some pies that we ate after for dessert. The stew was pretty good as well as the toasted and sliced french baguette brushed with olive oil and basil. My God it was good.

After dinner, they switched over to see the last few minutes of the Superbowl to find out what the score was and who one so that they would have something to talk about at work tomorrow. Eva changed the channel to some show called "What Not To Wear" and that was pretty interesting. Sunny, Jamie, and I ended up playing this really cool card game called Munchkin(?). It was a pretty cool card game. I was still learning the first game and ended up winning. We played a second game and I lost. It was a pretty fun game though. I didn't realize that it was 9PM when we completed the second game. I knew they had to work the next day and I didn't want to overstay my welcome, so I decided go to and thanked them everything. They enjoyed having me and I had a pretty good time interacting with them. I had some time to get to know them both better and I'm sure they got to know me better.

I finally left the house... woo-hoo! I know that I meant to go to the gym this morning, but of course that failed to happen. I was looking out the window after I had breakfast and noticed that the sun was out. On a whim, I decided to get out. I brushed my teeth, took a quick shower, put on some shorts, a shirt, tennis shoes and headed out the door. I turned on the tunes and listened to my iPod the whole way. I walked all the way down to the south end of Ocean beach to check out the land slide that Will told me about near there. I had no idea that this went on. Go figure. For someone so clueless about the world and local news, fortunately for word of mouth. I took a few pictures of the area. It's amazing how things just seem to change. I guess that' s part of what makes the world go round.

I continued north along the beach walking on the wet sand. I saw several rocks along the way that looked shiny and cool. I ended up picking them up, cleaning them, and putting them in my pocket. The weather was partly cloudy at times, but I didn't mind. I wasn't cold or hot at all. It was a rather nice beautiful stroll after all. I saw a few people jogging or walking while others threw balls with their dogs. It was nice to just stroll along watching the waves topple each other and the birds running away from the tides. By the time I got to the very north end of the beach, I headed up towards the street and headed back home. At this point I started to feel my feet in pain. I figured it was probably due to the fact that I haven't exercised in a million years. Anyway, at this point of the day/walk, I started to notice a few cute guys walking/running by me. Even at one point there was this really adorable cute white dog who stood up to look at me as I passed by. He/she was so cute. Unfortunately, I don't know what kind of dog it is. I'm not well versed about the dog world other than chihuahua's, golden retrievers, and jack russell terriers to name a few.

I started to feel a bit of pain in my calves, so I stopped and stretched them out for a little bit. My feet were also in pain, but I figure its got to be the shoes. They are pretty old, but they are the most comfortable to walk in out of all my shoes. When I got home, I took off my shoes and found that I did end up getting wounded somehow. I did remember thinking that I think I need to cut my toe nails. When I looked at them, they weren't long at all. Other than deformed, I somehow had cut my middle toe with my nail. Hmmm... I wonder if they have anything to keep the toes separated and not smashed together. I must do some research on that. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm hungry at all, but I probably should snack on something just in case. Until next time.

The last couple of days I've been a complete lazy bum. It brings a new meaning to the word Sloth. I did stop taking naps in the middle of the day. I just need to get my ass out of the house and exercise. My clothes are getting tight on me again and that's not good. I did finally file my taxes on TurboTax.com so that's taken care of. I was planning to go to the gym this morning, but that didn't pan out. I woke up with this huge headache that came out of nowhere. After taking some aspirin, I have been surfing the web browsing through books on learning how to speak Tagalog for when I go to the Philippines in May. I started thinking about choral music and started to browse the net for an all male acapella group called Cantus. They are pretty awesome. I was listening to some of the samples of their music and I started becoming nostalgic of how much I miss music.

I went to choir practice Wednesday and I started to feel like a diva. Not that I meant to, but there was just this certain behavior that I always do when I'm in a choral rehearsal setting. It's so annoying that all the people were talking in the background while rehearsing. Supposedly there are four men in the choir and I'm the latest addition. There is an older guy who looks Filipino who always comes in and sings the soprano part. Not only that, he sings off key. It totally sucks because he totally throws me off and he sits to the left of me which happens to be my good ear. This other guy, who is actually a kid from either high school or college sat to my right side. I think his name is Matt, I can't quite remember. Anyway, he is tone deaf, poor guy. He's a nice guy though. At one point, he asked me which staff we were singing. I helped him by pointing out the bass clef staff. After rehearsal, Angelo told me that this was the first choir that he has conducted that doesn't have much musical training. Question is..... how can we sing four part harmony with 80% Sopranos, 10% Altos, 10% Men? That's definitely a good question.

Right now I'm listening to the Glee soundtrack. There is some really cool music that I like. One of my favorite songs that I keep thinking about is True Colors that they did a version for from Cyndi Lauper. I guess that's my current song for the moment. I wonder what that says about me? There is another song that I really like called Taking Chances. I'm not sure who originally sang it, but I feel that song as well. I wish I knew the words to it so that I can sing along to it better. Which reminds me, I finally got the CD player working in my car and I was able to listen to the songs that I burned onto a CD from Glee. I don't know why it didn't work when Will and I went to Stockton to attend Tina's Passion Party.

I've also been browsing the Barnes and Noble website for cookbooks. Cooking has been something that I've been really into lately ever since I watched Julie & Julia at Dani's house. I want to get an apron and a cookbook since I've been cooking at home staying away from fast food (well for the most part.) Anyway, I saw a cookbook from Rocco Dispirito. He's kind of cute in an off beat way. I had no idea that he was in Dancing with the Stars. Then again, I don't watch cable television since I have all my TV Sitcom DVDs to watch. God, I really need to get a better hobby. Anyway, I really want to start cooking more with vegetables. I just got to find a cookbook with dishes that include vegetables that I would like. That reminds me, I need to send an email to my Aunt Linda. A couple years ago she made some empandas that were so awesome I can't stop thinking about them. I definitely want to make those in the future. I would like to invite some friends over and do a Filipino dinner as a multi-course meal. I think that would be so awesome. It would be Filipino food for the most part, but with a little Americanized twist.

Well, I don't know what else to say now. So I guess I'm done for now. I'll put up a picture of Rocco Dispirito just in case you are like me and have no idea who is who and what is going on in the world. Until next time.