Finding My Soul

I just got back from hangin' out with Jamie, Sunny, Elizer, and Jeffrey. We met up to see Alice in Wonderland in 3-D. It was pretty cool and interesting. I'm really liking all these movies that have different interpretations of popular books. Afterward, we headed over to BJ's Restaurant for dinner. It was really nice to hang out with them again. It seems like a long time since I last saw them all together. We had a really nice time conversing about stuff and discussing certain sexual innuendos targeted at Eli. He is such an easy target. At one point, Jeff and I talked about the latest flicks that I have purchased. And with the current financial crisis I've been going through, I told him that I have finally been able to watch some of the movies that I haven't got to yet. Movies such as, Bart Got A Room, I Love You Beth Cooper, to name a few. They were rather interesting movies. After a delicious dinner and conversation, we ended our evening of fun.

I headed home and went online to check my email, Facebook, etc. Of course, nothing eventful was going on. I started to "Think." Oh yes, probably one of THE most dangerous things to do when you are alone and depressed. I thought about how come it is so difficult for me to meet people. The clubs don't do it for me. The bars definitely doesn't do it for me. So, what is it? How else do I meet other people? Other than those two types of venues, I really don't know of any other place to meet people, let alone chat. Then, it hit me. I can try chatting online. The instant messaging if you will. Where can I go? How can I go about it? I mean its been quite a long while since I've done it. I mean seriously, the last time I "chatted" was back when AOL was at its prime. Since then, I've been shy as f*ck and for what? Why am I being shy? It's not like they are right in front of me, face to face, expecting me to exonerate myself to them. Yet, I realized how else was I going to meet people. I could take myself to the Castro and exploit myself there, but what good would that do. What harm could it do? The hell with it.

I went on to Gay.com and updated my profile. Then, I logged on to the SF chat room. There were 25 people maximum, none of which said a word to each other. It was really odd. I can only assume that they were checking out all the other people's profiles in the chat room and if they didn't find anyone they liked, they would leave. When I got in there, probably 20-25% were Asian, the other 20-25% were twink-ish, about 10% were from cities outside of California, about 15% were looking to hook-up, while the remaining it seems were just there to have a presence. I decided to just stay on there while I watched Will & Grace in the background. I sent a message to one guy with the profile name Muse3. Since I enjoy Greek Mythology, I thought I would just tell him that I liked his profile name. He didn't respond. Hmmm... I guess this is what led me to avoid the whole chat room in the first place, but whatever. He was a twink and all I wanted was to chat with people. I sent a message to this other guy who had lived in Italy for three years, so it stated in his profile. I attempted to start a conversation with him, so I asked him what was living in Italy like? He began asking me to tell me about myself and I did. Unfortunately, I felt like I was doing all the talking. He would just respond with a word or two and that was pretty much it. I guess that was strike two for me.

After a while, a guy sent me a message and started chatting with me. He was nice. I found out that he is 43 yrs old and lives in Oakland. He messaged me due to my profile name. We started chatting about music. He is currently in the Oakland Gay Men's Chorus and he is a teacher of History and Government. We continued to have a conversation about music. He had quite a vast knowledge of Classical Music repertoire, some of which I was not familiar. He asked me if I was part of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus. I told him that I was more interested in singing Classical rather than Popular. He talked about his group doing a Classical piece and invited me to check out their concert in April where they will be performing Cherubini's Requiem in D minor. I told him that I would consider going as I do enjoy classical choral music, especially an all male piece. We had a pretty decent conversation. Then, he had suggested about getting together to meet tomorrow after church. I started to feel just a little uncomfortable. I told him that I had plans after church, even though I had none. Yeah, I know. What could it hurt? He wanted to meet up at Powell and because of my financial situation, that was not possible. Then I thought about it, am I just going against the whole purpose of me meeting new people. I told him that maybe we could do it next weekend. He suggested seeing some recital at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music on Saturday. I told him that would be nice. I gave him my email to remind me about it on Friday.

The next guy I chatted with was a guy with an interesting profile name. I checked out his profile and saw that his ethnicity said mix. So, I asked him what mix he was? He said why I asked? I told him because that was what it said on his profile... to ask. He laughed and told me that he is a mixture of native and Caucasian. I thought to myself, that's a nice mix. He had glasses in the picture that he had on his profile, so I couldn't really tell what he looked like. We started out talking casually about how he was doing and whatnot. I found out that he is a contractor and in my mind the only contractor I have any knowledge about are the ones at FedEx, but I digress. I asked him what kind and he just said general contractor. I still have no idea what a contractor does as I believe there are many types of contractors out there. I decided to ditch the question and move on since I have no idea what type of contractor he is. I found out that he travels a lot. He had just returned from Hawaii and is planning to go to Chicago and Texas in the near future. I thought that was exciting. We also talked about the gay community and how fake everyone seems to be. He mentioned how everyone is trying to fit the "gay image," an idea that I never really thought about. We had a pretty good conversation about that. This by far was THE best conversation that I have ever had online. Before he had to go he introduced himself as Joe and he accepted my friend request. I told him that I would be looking forward to chatting with him in the future.

At the same time, another guy sent me a message as I was talking to Joe. He was a mechanic for some health care company in Berkeley. He was Caucasian and the same age as I. The conversation with this guy was pretty interesting. This guy didn't beat around the bush. He started out with, "looks like you have a nice butt to be behind." I asked him how he could tell. He responded, "well you 5'4 and looks by the pic that your built well." I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. I kept conversing with him anyway. The guy lives in Vallejo, works in Berkeley, was born in Burlingame, and grew up in Lake County. After finding about his job and stuff, he got really down and dirty. He said, "I love a pinoy ass I can shoot inside of." I said, "Really?" And he said, "yes as I love to leave my mark." I thought to myself... yikes. Don't get me wrong, I think barebacking is hot. You know how when things are taboo, it's hot. I like to watch those types of porn because it is hot and it gets me off, but in the real world... No! So, I told him that unfortunately I don't do bareback. From that point on, the conversation went from slim to none. Ahhh... men. They are only out for one thing. I'm sorry, but I am too old to be "hooked up." Whatever. I decided it was time to go and it was definitely getting late. I had to be up and ready for church tomorrow since I didn't attend rehearsal on Wednesday. I'm off to bed.