Ok, so you must be wondering what the title means. Well, for the first time in Fernando history, this Filipino Gay Guy has finally done something every other gay man has done before. Fernando has gone and hooked up with a guy. ::Gasp:: No! Are you sure? Yes, it is true. You are probably thinking. No. Not Fernando. He's this innocent little thing. That's just too nasty. I hate to break it to you all, but this little Filipino is horny. I am only human and... I'm horny as hell. So enough with all the Will & Grace quote references and down to the nitty-gritty. The last time I had sex was last October on Halloween when I met a Filipino guy. Yes. ::sigh:: I said Filipino guy. He was kind of cute in his own little way. That and he kept making out with me. I'm sure I wrote about this last time and the things I did at the park and then back at my place, but I digress. Anyway, all my friends have boyfriends, friends with benefits, f*ck buddies, etc. except for me. It gets really irritating when they ALWAYS seem to talk about how they are with their man and blah, blah, blah. I want to just barf. It's gotten to the point where porn just doesn't do it for me anymore. I hate to say it, but I need something else. Besides, I thought to myself a while back, how the hell am I going to meet people if I don't get out there. I am so not into bars. I only go to hang out with friends, but not to meet people. Same with clubs. I love dancing just like anybody else and I usually go with the company of friends, but that's it. Those venues are no way any place that I would go to meet a decent guy and I'm certainly not sure how to do it any other way, so I decided to go back online and chat.
I had posted a previous blog about my first experience back online on gay.com. I went online once again and saw someone that I had chatted with the first time that became my friend. Except he didn't respond at all when I sent him a message. There was another friend that I met through my friend Keith. I saw that he was online, so I chatted with him a bit. After a while, I received an instant message from a guy from Michigan. He didn't have a picture on his profile and he was 44 yrs old. I really didn't expect anything from it but a decent conversation. He told me that he was a programmer and immediately I thought about all the dorkables that were having lunch at the City Center downtown that were here for a convention. It turns out that he was down for a convention as well, but of a different type. We chatted about school, work, hobbies, etc. all the trivial stuff that usually seems to go on during these online chats. I was trying to tune my guitar as I wasn't too vested into the conversation at first. Then, he asked me what my plans were tonight. I told him that I was just going to practice my guitar and practice my solo for church. He wanted to see about getting together with someone at his hotel room and going from there.
We started talking more and he was very interested in Asian men. He talked about how Asian men drive him wild and how he get very hard when around them. Our conversation become more sexual in nature. We talked about what kind of things we liked to do. One of the things he mentioned was that smooth skin really turns him on. We talked about a few other things and the next thing you know, he invites me to his hotel room at the Parc 55 downtown. At one point, I did ask to see a picture of him, and he looked totally adorable. So, as horny as I was just chatting with him, I decided to go for it. I text message Will to let him know where I was going to be just in case, so that someone knows where I will be. I ran to the shower and cleaned up before heading out there. I must have been nervous as hell because my stomach was in pain. I didn't eat a lot or anything weird earlier that day, so it must have been nerves. I have been text messaging Tina and Will the whole time I was on the train heading towards downtown. I finally arrive after what seem liked hours and walked up the stairs from the underground.
I was just outside the hotel when I called Joe on his cell phone to let him know that I was near. He told me to come on up. I walked into the hotel and took the elevator to the sixth floor. I walked up to room 661 and knocked on the door. When the door opened, I was a bit in shock. The guy didn't look like the guy that was on the picture. The picture must have been a decade old because this guy was completely different from the picture. His hair wasn't blond like the picture. It was more of a light brown, but his eyes had a very nice blue tint to them. I walked in and sat down next to him on the couch. He had a king size bed that looked as if it already had been slept in. He had the television set on tuned to some sort of sports channel with basketball. He faced me and we started to chat for a bit. I really didn't look at him much when I was conversing with him. I often diverted my eyes to the television set while glancing in his direction every once in a while.
After a while, he asked if he could touch me. I agreed and he began to caress my arm. From there, he got a little closer and started touching me behind my neck. It was much longer before he started to take my shirt off. The only thing that came to my mind was, I'm horny so I might as well go along with it. He took of his shirt and he started to move his hands along my smooth arms and torso. My body began to pulsate due to the attention that it was receiving. It was nice to feel attractive and wanted. He continued to remove the rest of my clothes and the rest of his. There was one thing about him that was nice and it was his 6" cut cock. He guided me towards the bed and laid me down. He turned me so that I laid upon my stomach as he began to massage me. My body reacted to every movement of his hands as it ran up and down my back. He ran his ran his hands through every curvature of my body which relaxed me entirely. I had not pleasure him in anyway as of yet, though it seemed he was pleased with the touch of every inch of my body. He turned me over swiftly and placed his mouth upon the head of my phallus. Slowly he enveloped his mouth up and down my shaft bringing me pleasure that I haven't felt in years. He continued to touch me as he probed every inch of me with his tongue, mouth, and lips.
Eventually, he positioned me opposite of him where I would have easy access to his manhood that I found very enticing. I held my hand around it and slowly wrapped my lips around it as if I were licking a lollypop or a creamsicle ice cream for the very first time. I caressed it in my mouth slowly enjoying every inch of it that I could. It felt like it was my first time in a long time that I was able to wrap my mouth around a cock so nice and smooth. The head was just the right size for the remaining shaft. It looked so nice that I wanted to stare at it and lick it at the same time. After a while, he changed positions once again. He put me back on my stomach and began to play with my rear entrance. Before long, he positioned my body towards where he began rimming me. It wasn't long before I was in complete ecstasy. My body began to shudder towards every placement of his tongue. I could no longer hold it in and I began to moan with complete and utter pleasure. I hadn't felt this kind of pleasure in a long while. I think he knew that he found the ultimate area to pleasure me in. He continued to rim every inch of my rear to the point where I had to bite the bed covers just to keep me from yelling out in pure ecstasy. It was totally amazing.
After a while, he laid me on my back and just wanted to touch me again. I was still in awe from the pleasure I had received when he rimmed me from behind. As I recovered from it, he continued to touch my body again. He continued to finger my sphincter to get me to relax. Slowly as he caressed my body with his lips, he motioned his fingers into me to prepare for intercourse. I wasn't sure if I was ready for it because it has been a very long time since someone inserted themselves in me and he was very big. From previous experience, at least for me, the bigger the penis the less painful it was for me and the smaller the penis the MORE painful it was. Since this guy was 6", I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I grabbed the condom and lube from my backpack and prepared for the inevitable. He got me back on my stomach again and slowly attempted to penetrate me from behind, but it was too painful. I asked him to go slow, but it still was too painful going in. I switched positions to where I would ride him, but it just wouldn't go in. He was very nice about it, even though I myself was deeply disappointed, and no longer pursued it.
He took me to the shower and we washed each other up. He soaped up my body and grabbed my penis from behind me where he slowly jacked me off. I put my hand behind me to find his penis and did the same. He continued to lather me up with soap touching each others body before eventually laying in the small bath tub as it filled up with water. My body laid against his as he continued to soap my body up and down. He had this smile that made things feel ok, even though I was disappointed about the failed rear entry. After a while, we got out of the bath tub and dried each other off. We went back to the bed where we continued to attempt to pleasure each other more. He once again got me on my back, but this time pushed my legs towards me for easy access to my butt where he began rimming me again. Once again I was in pure ecstasy and in a different position. Eventually, we laid back side by side. I took hold of his cock and slowly started to masturbate him. He had pre-cum oozing out of his penis the whole time. I could feel it run down my hand as I continued to pleasure him with my left hand and I with my right. His body began to shudder and before long he ejaculated. Cum spewed all over his body and my arm. And for the first time, I was able to get off (even though I was jacking off myself) with him. It was nice. After laying there a while, he got up to clean himself off and grabbed a towel soaked in warm water for me to wipe myself off.
We laid there a while watching the sports news that was currently on at the time. I turned to him and saw that his eyes were closed and he was tired. All I could think about was that I was hungry and I didn't want to stay. Eventually, I got up and got dressed. It was around 10PM and I didn't want to miss the train back home. I told him that I had to go and he understood. He needed to get to bed because he had to get up the next morning at 8am for the last day of the convention. I grabbed all my stuff and thanked him before I left. As I got into the elevator, a cute guy held the elevator for me. He had just started his shift and helped me get to where I needed to go. As I walked out of the hotel, I felt a bit afflicted by the whole situation. Don't get me wrong, it was pleasurable and I was finally able to get off, but something continued to trouble me.
My mind raced as I attempted to figure out my feelings of discontent. My body was in anguish by feelings of hunger, so I decided to look for something to eat. I was craving tacos, but there was no taco bell that I knew of around. However, there was a Del Taco nearby, so I headed over there. There were a few cute guys there, one of which was from the game developers convention occurring at Moscone center. Anyway, I sat there and ate my tacos alone with these feelings running within me. I couldn't take it anymore. After I finished eating, I headed down towards the Montgomery station and waited for my train to arrive. Tina had called me, but I somehow missed it. So I called her and we attempted to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Was it because the guy misrepresented himself in his photo? Was it because I was not sexually attracted to him? Or was it because for the first time, I could not perform sexually? I really wasn't too sure for I am cursed with obsessive-compulsive notion to psycho-analyze my feelings in every fashion necessarily possible. Tina managed to calm me down momentarily until I got on the train and had more time to think about it. I came up with several conclusions one of which was due to the attraction factor which only seemed to satisfy me temporarily. I also called up Will and discussed this notion further. He had identified several possibilities about the situation. It was concluded that this was an experience to learn from. He suggested that for future reference always ask for more than one picture and that not all of the experiences are going to be the same. The only thing that lingers is my sexual prowess. I have always been complemented and blown away my sexual partners with my sexual abilities. I have always walked away with them being satisfied. For the first time, I felt like a failure and that I no longer have anything to offer in the boudoir. This a conundrum that is going to bother me for a long while.
I know it has been a while since I've last written in here. My check that I have been waiting for finally arrived and I went on kind of a spending spree. I know, I know. I don't have a job. Why the hell am I spending money? Well, I totally deserve it. I've been waiting for it and I worked really damn hard to get it. This is my way of telling the universe that I deserve everything that I get. I bought me some shoes along with $75 gift card that I received from my God daughter for Christmas. I went to the Skechers store downtown and this really cute guy helped me out. He was totally my type... tall, thin, very nice eyes, great smile, and to top it all of... he is gay. He helped me out a lot. He spent the entire time with me helping me try out all sorts of shoes. I tried out those Shape Ups shoes which were actually pretty cool. I didn't think they felt weird at all. Unfortunately, every shoe that I tried on after that felt different. Poor guy, I must have requested to try on at least a dozen pairs of shoes, he had to go up and down the stairs to get them. I had no idea that he had gone upstairs because he pretty much disappeared like he was the flash or something. Anyway, I ended up leaving there with three shoes, one shape up, one regular nice pair of tennis shoes, and a pair of dress shoes. I hope the Jerome gets a pretty decent commission from me since I took up so much of his time.
I finally went on got my haircut as well. I hate that my hair grows out so fast. It sprouts out like one of those dandelions that you see along the side of the road, but in this case, the hair doesn't fall out. Now that I think about it, that might be a really bad thing for my hair to fall out like that. I had arranged an appointment with him the day prior for 10:30am. Of course, I was totally running late. It was a good thing that he was running late too because I would have felt bad. I finally found a parking spot in the Castro and went up to wait for him. I sat down and started skimming through a magazine with hot men contained within. He said that he was going to be 5 minutes, but I didn't factor in gay time. I ended up waiting 20 minutes which really wasn't much of a big deal since I really didn't have anything pressing to do anyway. Eventually he arrived and I got on the chair waiting further instructions. He asked me how I wanted my hair as he usually does and I told him that I wanted it short on the sides, but that I wanted to be able to have the messy look on top. For the first time he was able to get the idea of what kind of haircut I wanted. We did the usual, talk about my life and get him up to speed. I gave him the latest drama that seemed to evolve around my uninteresting and boring life which he always seemed to show interest in genuinely. He did his usual stuff, listen, then advise me on it. It's like a two for one deal where you get psycho-therapy and a haircut at the same time. I felt like I talked too much, so I asked him how things were going with him.
He moved into the City from the East Bay which explained him being a bit late, but not the issue. He also talked about his boyfriends play that premiered in New York. He said that it was very funny and had the same thoughts that the critics had for the play. I'm totally interested in seeing it as I am very much into the artistry of theater. He washed my hair and cleaned me up a bit before he had finished my hair. He gave me a little bit of advice about the use of product, such as shampooing my hair only once a week to keep it from drying out my scalp. I wish I knew this sooner because it is pretty embarrassing when my scalp is dried out and I have no idea. That and I should be conditioning my hair a lot more than I should. This is good for me because I haven't the slightest idea about that stuff. I know what you're thinking, "Bad. Bad gay man." Eh, I know that I'm not your typical gay man living in San Francisco. I'm pretty much not your typical gay man at all. Okay, there maybe a few quirks in me that suggest otherwise, but I digress. A lot of other minor things have gone on, but that's pretty boring.
I just got back from hangin' out with Jamie, Sunny, Elizer, and Jeffrey. We met up to see Alice in Wonderland in 3-D. It was pretty cool and interesting. I'm really liking all these movies that have different interpretations of popular books. Afterward, we headed over to BJ's Restaurant for dinner. It was really nice to hang out with them again. It seems like a long time since I last saw them all together. We had a really nice time conversing about stuff and discussing certain sexual innuendos targeted at Eli. He is such an easy target. At one point, Jeff and I talked about the latest flicks that I have purchased. And with the current financial crisis I've been going through, I told him that I have finally been able to watch some of the movies that I haven't got to yet. Movies such as, Bart Got A Room, I Love You Beth Cooper, to name a few. They were rather interesting movies. After a delicious dinner and conversation, we ended our evening of fun.
I headed home and went online to check my email, Facebook, etc. Of course, nothing eventful was going on. I started to "Think." Oh yes, probably one of THE most dangerous things to do when you are alone and depressed. I thought about how come it is so difficult for me to meet people. The clubs don't do it for me. The bars definitely doesn't do it for me. So, what is it? How else do I meet other people? Other than those two types of venues, I really don't know of any other place to meet people, let alone chat. Then, it hit me. I can try chatting online. The instant messaging if you will. Where can I go? How can I go about it? I mean its been quite a long while since I've done it. I mean seriously, the last time I "chatted" was back when AOL was at its prime. Since then, I've been shy as f*ck and for what? Why am I being shy? It's not like they are right in front of me, face to face, expecting me to exonerate myself to them. Yet, I realized how else was I going to meet people. I could take myself to the Castro and exploit myself there, but what good would that do. What harm could it do? The hell with it.
I went on to Gay.com and updated my profile. Then, I logged on to the SF chat room. There were 25 people maximum, none of which said a word to each other. It was really odd. I can only assume that they were checking out all the other people's profiles in the chat room and if they didn't find anyone they liked, they would leave. When I got in there, probably 20-25% were Asian, the other 20-25% were twink-ish, about 10% were from cities outside of California, about 15% were looking to hook-up, while the remaining it seems were just there to have a presence. I decided to just stay on there while I watched Will & Grace in the background. I sent a message to one guy with the profile name Muse3. Since I enjoy Greek Mythology, I thought I would just tell him that I liked his profile name. He didn't respond. Hmmm... I guess this is what led me to avoid the whole chat room in the first place, but whatever. He was a twink and all I wanted was to chat with people. I sent a message to this other guy who had lived in Italy for three years, so it stated in his profile. I attempted to start a conversation with him, so I asked him what was living in Italy like? He began asking me to tell me about myself and I did. Unfortunately, I felt like I was doing all the talking. He would just respond with a word or two and that was pretty much it. I guess that was strike two for me.
After a while, a guy sent me a message and started chatting with me. He was nice. I found out that he is 43 yrs old and lives in Oakland. He messaged me due to my profile name. We started chatting about music. He is currently in the Oakland Gay Men's Chorus and he is a teacher of History and Government. We continued to have a conversation about music. He had quite a vast knowledge of Classical Music repertoire, some of which I was not familiar. He asked me if I was part of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus. I told him that I was more interested in singing Classical rather than Popular. He talked about his group doing a Classical piece and invited me to check out their concert in April where they will be performing Cherubini's Requiem in D minor. I told him that I would consider going as I do enjoy classical choral music, especially an all male piece. We had a pretty decent conversation. Then, he had suggested about getting together to meet tomorrow after church. I started to feel just a little uncomfortable. I told him that I had plans after church, even though I had none. Yeah, I know. What could it hurt? He wanted to meet up at Powell and because of my financial situation, that was not possible. Then I thought about it, am I just going against the whole purpose of me meeting new people. I told him that maybe we could do it next weekend. He suggested seeing some recital at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music on Saturday. I told him that would be nice. I gave him my email to remind me about it on Friday.
The next guy I chatted with was a guy with an interesting profile name. I checked out his profile and saw that his ethnicity said mix. So, I asked him what mix he was? He said why I asked? I told him because that was what it said on his profile... to ask. He laughed and told me that he is a mixture of native and Caucasian. I thought to myself, that's a nice mix. He had glasses in the picture that he had on his profile, so I couldn't really tell what he looked like. We started out talking casually about how he was doing and whatnot. I found out that he is a contractor and in my mind the only contractor I have any knowledge about are the ones at FedEx, but I digress. I asked him what kind and he just said general contractor. I still have no idea what a contractor does as I believe there are many types of contractors out there. I decided to ditch the question and move on since I have no idea what type of contractor he is. I found out that he travels a lot. He had just returned from Hawaii and is planning to go to Chicago and Texas in the near future. I thought that was exciting. We also talked about the gay community and how fake everyone seems to be. He mentioned how everyone is trying to fit the "gay image," an idea that I never really thought about. We had a pretty good conversation about that. This by far was THE best conversation that I have ever had online. Before he had to go he introduced himself as Joe and he accepted my friend request. I told him that I would be looking forward to chatting with him in the future.
At the same time, another guy sent me a message as I was talking to Joe. He was a mechanic for some health care company in Berkeley. He was Caucasian and the same age as I. The conversation with this guy was pretty interesting. This guy didn't beat around the bush. He started out with, "looks like you have a nice butt to be behind." I asked him how he could tell. He responded, "well you 5'4 and looks by the pic that your built well." I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. I kept conversing with him anyway. The guy lives in Vallejo, works in Berkeley, was born in Burlingame, and grew up in Lake County. After finding about his job and stuff, he got really down and dirty. He said, "I love a pinoy ass I can shoot inside of." I said, "Really?" And he said, "yes as I love to leave my mark." I thought to myself... yikes. Don't get me wrong, I think barebacking is hot. You know how when things are taboo, it's hot. I like to watch those types of porn because it is hot and it gets me off, but in the real world... No! So, I told him that unfortunately I don't do bareback. From that point on, the conversation went from slim to none. Ahhh... men. They are only out for one thing. I'm sorry, but I am too old to be "hooked up." Whatever. I decided it was time to go and it was definitely getting late. I had to be up and ready for church tomorrow since I didn't attend rehearsal on Wednesday. I'm off to bed.
The title comes from a quote from Karen Walker on Will & Grace. I had a pretty good conversation with Will today about random stuff. I had walked nine blocks to meet up with him in front of his house. I remember thinking how nice it was outside and how good it felt to walk and be outside. I realized that staying inside my room all day was making me all depressed. I really need to stop and get out more even if it is just for a walk up and down the beach. It was very cold walking those nine blocks. I didn't want to put my hands in my pocket, but by the time I reached my destination my hands were stone cold. Anyway, Will and I talked about various different issues. Most of which began to stir up in my mind... where am I going with my life? what is my purpose? what am I afraid of? etc. I talked about all the things that I planned for that never ended up panning out. I really don't know what that's all about. The only thing I can thing of is that karma is getting back to me. I really don't know what I did wrong, but it's kicking my ass. We discussed music, life in San Francisco, and finding out about ourselves. I know I'm a lot older than most of my friends and it just seems like I never stop living and learning. I feel like I've lived a lot. I've gone through a lot. I've struggled a lot and life has been hard. I'm wondering if I'm making it hard or if that's what's laid out for me on my path in life.
I really don't know how to go about it all. There is a lot of things that I am learning about myself. I admitted to Will that I have a lot of Pride. I really hate asking money from friends and family. That's why when I went off to college, I never asked anything of my father because he had his own stuff to deal with as well as taking care of my younger siblings. I know life has dealt us crappy cards and I don't know why. I feel like my family has been doomed from the get go. Unless I was selfish and had no clue about what else was going on. Sometimes, I just don't understand why things happen the way they do. Don't get me wrong, as much as I struggled, I learned quite a bit and it has definitely made me stronger. Yet, why do I feel weak somehow. All I know is that I'm very thankful for the support of the family and friends that I had through all those times. I just think it's time for me to be happy for once. I want to get married with a guy who can love and take care of me as I will do him. I want to have kids with him and live in a beautiful house on a hill overlooking the San Francisco Bay. I want to be surrounded by my friends and family at all times and be able to support them as they have for me. I know this is a lot of wishful thinking, but this is what I want. I deserve to happy just like everybody else. As much as I want this, I know it all starts with me. I'm really not sure how to go about it yet, but I hope to figure it out soon.
I know that I want a relationship. I want a boyfriend. Heck, I want to start dating, I just need to figure out how. The first thing I need to do though is take care of myself. For the longest time, ever since my parents divorced, I've been the nurturing caretaker of the family. After twenty years, it has become second nature to me. It is totally automatic. All of my friends and family, most of which are younger than me, I've taken under my wing. I can't help it. I'm the mother. I know that sometimes I overstep my boundaries though, but I don't realize it most of the time because I'm used to it. So, for those of you reading this, just tell me to stop being your mother. Let me know. I may get but hurt, but I will understand. Anyway, that is one thing I need to work on. I can't help it. I just care a lot. Maybe too much. I'm going to start going to the gym regularly. Once things start to settle down, I'm going to get involved and volunteer. Also, I'm going to look into some type of group that will help me deal with things. I don't know. Some kind of group that I can be a part of to help figure things out as well as meet new people. I guess that's a start. Well, I'm starting to run out of things to write about. So, I will end it here. Until next time.
