Finding My Soul

I was feeling glum and gloomy as usual this morning. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. Of course, I got hungry and had to force myself to get up. I decided to do the rest of my laundry since it finally got freed up from the consistent usage of the washer and dryer by the other inhabitants of the house. I was bumming around watching the Nanny when I received a text message from my long time friend Natalie. She had seen my missed call and didn't notice it until she got to work this morning. She informed me that I could call her after 12 noon when she gets off from work. It was around that time when I wasn't sure when exactly to call her. I sent her a text message instead asking her when was the best time to call. She said that 3:30PM would be fine.

As I was lounging around watching television, I received another text message from my friend Sunny. He asked me if I wanted to have brunch with him, his treat. I replied that it would be nice. It would be another attempt to get me out of the house, so I took the opportunity. I went to brush my teeth since I had already showered hours earlier. I got dressed and was ready for him upon his arrival. I hadn't seen him in well over a month beyond my absence from my month long vacation. I had been pushing people away because I didn't want them to get tired of my acts of depression for which I had apologized to him for. Anyway, he picked me up and we headed off downtown.

It was interesting, how cloudy and gloomy it was in my part of town. As soon as we drove passed 30th Avenue heading east, it was blue skies and sunny. Sunny commented that no wonder I was in such a gloomy mood. We roamed aimlessly around the Castro area looking for parking. It must have been almost a half hour before we ended up finding one on a downward slope on Noe Street. We walked down with all the lovely eye candy that glorified the streets due to the beautiful weather on this side of the City. We went to Cafe Flore because he wanted to sit outdoors and I heard it is a well-known establishment. He ordered our food while I ventured out into the area to locate a decent table to sit at. Unfortunately, all of the good ones were taken. I ended up finding an area along the street that was sort of outdoors, but covered. It wasn't very well ventilated and I kept smelling sh*t when I sat down. I kept checking under my feet and the table to see if there was anything there, but there wasn't. Eventually, we relocated to the inside and ate our brunch there. The food was pretty good and the scenery was great.

After brunch, we headed out to the Castro to figure out what else to do. He kept asking me, but I really didn't care. I was just happy that I was out of the house doing something and hanging out with somebody. We stopped by to buy lube at one of the local porn stores then headed back to the car to figure out what to do next. I had mentioned that a friend of mine was at Dolores Park playing Scrabble. With that in mind, that became our next destination. Of course, we had the parking issue again, so we went hunting for that. We were fortunate to find one at the top of a hill a block away from the park where the road ended in two places. We headed down the hill towards the park and it was nice. It was a nice view. We walked to the corner and there it was... the gay beach and all its glory. There were hot shirtless men laying out to sunbathe. It was definitely a sight to see. We made our way around the park to check out the local lovelies and some of the eye candies that were out there were definitely to die for. After making our way around the park, we settled down on the grass where there was some shade for me to sit under while having full view of eye candy. The view of the city from where we sat was amazing, from the endless view of men to the skyline, it was a spectacular view. We sat and watched as many men walked by shirtless and even down to their underwear, laying out under the sun in all its glory. There were many men to look at on this beautiful gorgeous day with a slight cool breeze making its way down through the park. Eventually, we headed back to the car and he took me home.

It was a nice day. Two hours had already passed the time that I was to call my friend Natalie. Fortunately, I had sent her a text message to let her know that something came up and that I would call her later. I ended up calling her as soon as I sat down on my bed. I was very happy that she answered. I had not talked to her in so long. I think the last time I actually talked to her on the phone was sometime last year. I'm not sure exactly when, but it must have been before I quit Fedex because she had no idea that that even happened. I brought her up to speed and filled her in on what had gone on in my life since we last talked. I went from why I quit my job to my vacation. Then, she filled me in on her life as well. She now has a granddaughter and her son moved out of the house. That's huge. Ever since I have known her, her son has been her life. She said that she experienced the "Empty Nest" syndrome for a week and was over it. She told me about her work and the drama with her family. We even talked about how you can't trust people these days and I totally could relate to her.

From the moment I spoke on the phone, she knew that I was not well. That's how much she KNOWS me, but that's what you expect from a friendship of 17 years. Wow, that's a long time. I value her friendship. I told her that I wrote down a list of things that I'm happy and thankful for. It is something that I am using from "The Secret" to have a positive attitude and be happy to get the things that I want in my life. I told her how the kids in the Philippines made me want a family more and more. I went down my list of "happy thoughts" with her starting from the top of the list which are the most recent events and down going back to what made me happy in my past. The first that I wrote was playing ball with Nickson and my little cousins in the Philippines; The second was seeing A Chorus Line and having dinner with Tina, Dani, Raquel, & Mom; all the way down to working with Natalie at Pru. I told her that I was very thankful to have her in my life. Even though we don't talk as much and there could be months or a year before we talk again, but when we do... it is like we picked up where we left off. Our friendship is very special to me and I cherish it very much. She said that she was wanting to cry at that moment.

At that moment, the conversation changed as we started to get into being lost in my life, and this is where the foot started targeting my head. She started to tell me that I have nothing holding me from anything. I have no ties, no children to keep me from reaching my dreams and goals. She said that the world is mine and I have nothing to hold me back. She pointed out that I was able to travel to Hawaii, the Philippines, and Hong Kong; and she hasn't done that. She's always wanted to travel, but the only places she's been to are up and down the California coast and Mexico. She said that I've done so much that she has not known anyone else to do. She mentioned how I took the responsibility of being the mother and father to my siblings at the age of 14 while going to school; how I juggled two jobs and going to school; working four jobs and going to school. She made me look at all that I have done and that there is nothing that can stop me from doing what I want. If I can do all that, then the possibilities for me are endless. There were more things that were discussed, but simply put... that was the big kick to my head. She really got me thinking that there is nothing that I can't do and the only person holding me back is myself. She even mentioned that she finally understood something that was said in the movie, "Good Will Hunting." I checked it out and this is what was said:

Will: What do I wanna way outta here for? I'm gonna live here the rest of my fuckin' life. We'll be neighbors, have little kids, take 'em to Little League up at Foley Field.
Chuckie: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way but, in 20 years if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house, watchin' the Patriots games, workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill ya. That's not a threat, that's a fact, I'll fuckin' kill ya.
Will: What the fuck you talkin' about?
Chuckie: You got somethin' none of us have...
Will: Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to?
Chuckie: No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time.

She didn't act it all out or anything like that, but she pretty much summed it up for me. It was like an awakening. A wake-up call. A big kick to my head. She began getting phone calls from her boyfriend and it was well past 7:00pm when she was to see a movie with him. So, I thanked her and let her go so that she can pick up her boyfriend. After I got off the phone with her, I felt that my spirits where higher than they were, but I still needed to figure out what to do. Nevertheless, that was what I needed to move on forward. Hmmm.... Keep moving forward! (I love that movie.) That's what I will do.