Finding My Soul

I know that I said that I would update this more often, but ever since I came back from my trip, everything has gone a bit wonky. After coming out to my mother the day of my return back to the mainland, I've been trying to recover from the sickness that I had incurred when returning from the Philippines. I spent the next few days after that in Maui sick in bed... well for the most part. As for coming out to my mother, it was.... interesting. She had a pretty expressionless face and basically asked the same question but in several slightly different ways. "So, you want to be a gay? Are you sure you want to be a gay? You really want to be a gay? etc. etc. etc."

When I came back to the mainland, I thought that I was supposed to work the next day. I had called at the Honolulu Airport just to be sure. It was difficult to hear since the reception wasn't all that great at the airport. I called and ended up waiting almost 5 minutes before I called again and finally was able to speak to one of the managers about my schedule. This was during the day on a Thursday. I arrived in Oakland Thursday Night and was picked up by my cousin. We stopped by someplace to eat before finally arriving at our destination. I packed up my stuff and drove back to the City early Friday morning. I figured that if I drove while I still had some energy left, that would enable me to sleep until I was scheduled to work at 3pm that afternoon. I got home ok, slept, then got ready and went to work. It turns out I wasn't scheduled to work till next Friday and Saturday. Which was a bummer because I could have stayed at my grandmothers house and rested. It was okay though because I was able to pick up a shift from one of my co-workers. Things happen for a reason.

On top of that, I was able to go on a date with Alex. He took me to a Filipino restaurant to try some Filipino food that I have never had before, Sisig and Sinigang. That was quite ironic since he's Caucasian and I'm the Filipino. Afterward we went to the Castro Theater to watch The African Queen, which by the way was a pretty good movie. Needless to say, it was a pretty good date. Unfortunately, I relapsed back into my cold for the rest of the week until I was scheduled to work again. I still had a bit of a cough, but it was quite minor in comparison. From this point on I was working quite a bit and my only day off was Thursday. This meant that I had 5 days to do my taxes. Yeah, I know. I am a big procrastinator. My reason for waiting till the last minutes was because I knew that I was paying. I had a bit of trouble trying to do them since I was missing some documents that I needed to determine deductions for some donations I made to the Salvation Army last year. With all this on my mind, I realized that I had to make a decision... I may have to move in with my grandmother.

This kind of got me down for a while, but I did my best to stay positive. It helped having one of my coworkers, Ronaldo lift me up a bit and keep my hopes up. The next day, I worked with him again and he asked me how I was doing. I told him that I'm doing better. I told him that I watched the Secret again and put out a positive attitude to the universe. Michael was there and heard our conversation. The thing about Michael is, above his attractive and manly persona, the guy has a heart. Most people wouldn't know it since he doesn't really show it. I kind of got a glimpse of it though whenever he wouldn't be feeling well. I would ask him how he's feeling and he would tell me. Anyway, after close that night, he drove up in his white Camaro (kind of like a knight riding up on his white stallion) and asked me if I needed a ride home. I thanked him and told him that I drove my car. He acknowledged my appreciation and headed on home. I thought that was the sweetest thing and no one else would really know it but me.

A little fast forward to today's incident. I woke up a bit early today to get a haircut from Jose. We talked a bit about my trip and how things are going with me. Then, I asked him about the proposal and he informed me about what was going on. I really enjoy talking with him. He mentioned wanting to meet Alex sometime. Afterward, I went on to choir practice. It was a small group as usual, but that never stopped anybody. We sang a couple new pieces today. It was pretty fun. After rehearsal, I went into the restroom to do my business. F, this guy that I met there a while back walked in. He was there when I first started in the choir, but then he disappeared. I had a suspicion that he is into me. There was definitely proof of that when he walked up to the stall next to me, whipped out his penis and started to play with it while I was taking care of business. I could see it peripherally, but I didn't out right look over because I didn't want him to think that I was interested in him. I could see it though. It was probably about five or six inches soft. I knew he was trying to get my attention because I could also see him look at me as he was pulling at it. I finished my business and went to wash my hands. I looked into the mirror as I washed my hands, but I could still see him look at me as he was doing what he was doing. I just pretended that I didn't see what he was doing, dried my hands with paper towel and walked out of the restroom.

I rejoined the other choir members and had lunch with them. There was an all meat pizza, vegetarian pizza, three different kinds of salad and cheesecake with all kinds of fruit on it. I stood with Pam for most of the time chatting with her for a bit before I came home. I'm off to run some errands now. Until next time.

Last night I had my tenth date with Alex. It was my turn to buy dinner and I had sent him an email a couple days prior inquiring any suggestions for dinner. It wasn't till two hours before I was to be at his place when I read his email and found that he was craving green curry chicken from the Thai restaurant around the corner from my house. At first, I got a little confused. Somehow I thought he was coming here, but then I re-read the email and realized exactly what he was talking about it. I don't know how I misread the email the way I did. Good thing I figured it out before sending him a text about it. I sent him a text and asked him if he wanted anything else. He suggested fried rice and sticky rice with mango. I ordered the food online and headed over to pick it up within 15 minutes. Afterward I headed over to the train stop and waited for train to arrive. I had brought along my umbrella thinking that it was going to rain, but all I could see was fog all around me. It took a while to get to his place since the shuttle came by the stop instead of the train. I wasn't sure what happened, but it really didn't matter. I got into the bus and headed towards the back to sit in one of the one-seat next to the exit. I listened to my iPod the entire way to my destination. I had gotten off at my stop and headed towards Alex's place. It was a lot clearer in the Castro district than where I lived.

Finally, I arrived in front of his apartment building and buzzed his doorbell. He buzzed me in and I went up. As I walked up the stairs, there was Alex waiting for me with the door open. I walked in and took off my coat and shoes. He warned me that he was feeling like he was about to get sick and that I should probably keep my distance from him just in case. We walked towards the kitchen and he set down the food on the table. He offered me some water and poured me a glass. We both sat down and I had a feeling something was up. He started to tell me that there has been something that he wanted to talk to me about. He didn't want to bring it up in the first few dates, but since this was our 10th date he thought it was about time to talk about it. He kept mentioning the word exclusivity. I really didn't know what he was getting at and asked him if there was something that he wanted me to say. He went on to remind me that he was wanting to take things slow and that he wasn't ready to be exclusive. He also reminded me that he had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship.

I told him that I was totally fine with taking things slow. I admitted to him that it was different for me at first because I had never experienced anything like it. All the relationships that I have been in have always moved along. Not that I move quickly in a relationship. I'm not a whore. I swear. I just mean that I used to see my dates at least two to three times a week instead of once a week which I found out just recently was the norm. Then again, I had no idea. I honestly don't know what the rules are in dating, but then again I don't think there really are. Anyway, I told him that I'm glad that we were taking things slow. I pointed out that my hairstylist told me that maybe it was a good thing. I mentioned that it was then that I realized that maybe that's what I need to do in dating.

He started to talk about what didn't work in his relationship. He values his honesty. It turns out that his ex- didn't want to share certain things about his life. His ex- wanted to keep his friends separate from him. So, whenever his ex- went out and he asked about it, his ex- would tell him that he went out with a friend. He wouldn't tell Alex who he went out with. He said that he didn't like secrets and it was like lying to him. I understood where he was coming from. I told him that something similar was the cause of my friend's breakup. I told him both sides of their stories. All of sudden I started talking about my past relationships. I talked about "Wimp," "Psycho," and finally "Freak." He was concerned when I told him about "Psycho" and inquired why I broke it off with "Wimp" and "Freak." There was one question I asked and it was the ethnicity of his ex- since "Freak" had the same name. Thank goodness it wasn't the same guy. Anyway, in short, he basically said it was okay to date other people. Although I have never dated more than one guy at the same time, but I think I would be okay with it.

The conversation went well. For the first time in a while, we both had a meaningful conversation in which we both contributed equally. Sometimes I feel like I talk too much or talk too little at times, but he did say that he does like me. We proceeded to have dinner and talk some more. I was glad that we had that conversation because it felt like we were able to move on a bit in our dating relationship. After dinner, we watched the next two episodes of Pride & Prejudice. I sat next to him and cuddled in his arms the whole time we watched the movie. It feels really nice to cuddle with him. He said that he really liked cuddling with me too. After we finished the two episodes, we had dessert before I went home. He wanted to save the last two episodes for our next date before I head out of the country. I felt pretty good about this date. At least now I know where I stand.

I just got home from S.O.S choir practice today and it was definitely one of the many interesting rehearsals of all. Let me explain further. S.O.S. which means Singers Of the Street, is a choir put together to promote homelessness awareness. The very first choir from which this stemmed from started out in Australia and proved to be a success. Soon the one choir turned to several within years and has spread out around the world. Our choral conductor is an amazing director who imagined this choir into reality. I fell into the choir when I found myself roaming around the city lost due to unemployment and a continuing depression that seemed to be heading toward a dismal end. I knew I needed to find help and with the diminishing of funds, I wasn't sure where to turn to. I found myself wandering into the LGBT center for which I have attempted to visit many, many times. Last fall was the first time that I was finally able to step into the establishment. I was unsure at what to expect and what kind of help I would be able to find.

There at the front desk was an older gentlemen about in his mid-40s organizing his paperwork and typing on the computer. He welcomed me with a smile and glanced at me above his glasses asking me if I needed help to just ask. I nodded back at him with a slight smile and began wandering down the hall where there were several bulletin boards. I glanced at different ads for therapists, various openly-gay religious groups, and several other advertisements geared to toward the LGBT community. I saw several ads for therapists, but of course they cost money. Then, there was a stack of flyers for the S.O.S. choir. It said, "Come Sing for Justice & Joy! Homeless? Unemployed? Invisible? Rehearsals every Wednesday 11am - 1pm. First rehearsal is Wednesday, September 15, 2010." I picked up the flyer among several others and put them in my backpack. During the days prior to the first rehearsal I struggled whether or not I would be welcomed in this choir. I was not homeless, but I was unemployed and I did feel invisible and all alone. There are a few things that make me happy and singing in a choir was one of them.

I finally decided to attend the first choir rehearsal with a bit of hesitation. It was unlike any choir I have ever been in. It was completely opposite of any typical choir. First of all, there were more men than women. Usually there are three times as many women as men, but it was the complete opposite. Then again, the rehearsals are in the midst of the gay community, so I guess that may explain it all. There were more basses than other voice parts as well. To top that off, the choir was a lot older than the youngsters that I'm used to.

The choir conductor talked about the choir and handed out folders with the music that we were going to be rehearsing with. I wasn't sure I was going to fit in, but after a few rehearsals I started to become acclimated with the group. Of course within that time the personalities came out. I started to experience a variety of them. There were several quiet ones like me, a few know-it-alls, a happy-go-lucky all around nice and funny guy, and the couple with mental disabilities. What's even more interesting about this group is that a few of them act just like kids. It's unbelievable how old some of them are and how childish they act at their age. I look at the choir conductor and see how much patience she has with them. There is not a rehearsal that goes by when they start acting like children.

Nevertheless, this choir has given me so much. Not only has it brought back some confidence in myself, but it has also taught me patience. I often look at the choir director when the two start arguing like children and it doesn't help when the other one shoots off her mouth and starts it all. I often feel her emotionally when I look at the expression on her face. I remember that I would often get annoyed whenever this happened, but after a while I learned to be patient just as the choir conductor. All I can do is focus on the music and help the rehearsal move along. It's the best thing.

At rehearsal today, I found out that one of our choir members, J, was in an accident. J is the sweetest and kindest guy in the group. He's also the funny guy in the group. He gives great hugs and it feels good to be on the receiving end because its genuine. He barely knows me, but it doesn't seem to matter to him. He's very loyal to his husband and I totally respect that. It's what makes him a very special person to me. So, I was shocked when I found out and was sad that he was in the accident, but fortunately he's doing okay. K came up to me and hugged me because he was sad that J was in an accident. I didn't really have time to be sad because I ended up having to comfort K.

We were having difficulty with the childish adults and we did what we always do and forged ahead with the rehearsal to practice the music. Often we would let certain comments from them roll off of our shoulders and focus on the music at hand. In the midst of rehearsal something happened and I guess I was smiling. K made a comment and said that I had one of the most brightest smiles that he has ever seen or something to that effect. It was very flattering to hear. He then said that he wished I was his brother because all his brothers were jerks to him. All I could do was smile and tell him that we are all brothers and sisters. After a while, we found out that J had tried to call. So we called him back to sing to him, but he didn't pick up. We ended up calling our accompanist and singing to her since she was ill. Afterward, she said that it put a smile on her face. Then, we decided to call J back and sing on his answering machine.

Towards the end of rehearsal, the conductor told us about some music that she received from a local composer who had set some poetry to music. It was set for solo voice and talked about picking one to set to two-part voice. She went to the piano and invited those of us who could read music to sing along with her as she played it. The pieces were well written in classical style. As I sang along with them, the songs reminded me of Benjamin Britten, a gay composer from decades ago. I really enjoyed trying to sight-sing along to the music because it reminded me of they type of music I sang when I was a music major singing during my recitals. The choral conductor was able to pick out my voice range when we sight sang the pieces.

One of the guys from the office, V, came to say goodbye. The choral conductor asked him to play piano for us as we sang one of the songs again. It turns out he used to be a classical musician. He played the accompaniment as we sang to one of the songs again. After that, rehearsal concluded and V continued to play the piano. He started playing something classical and I asked him if it was Chopin until he switched to another part of the piece which was more Beethoven. He asked me what my name was and said it was nice to meet me. He said that he was finally glad to meet me since he's heard a lot about me. He started playing Chopin, a piece that I recognized from the movie "The Pianist." It was time for lunch after that. It was definitely a pretty interesting day.

I know its been a while since I've been on here. It definitely has been a struggle of a year last year. I wanted to a make a New Year's Resolution for the year 2011 and that was to write on here more so that I can express myself, practice my writing skills and get everything that I am feeling inside out in the open. A lot has happened since the last time I was here, but I will sum it up the next blog around.

The second season, volume one of Glee came out last Tuesday and I was able to catch up on the episodes that I have missed. I've been hearing a lot of great things about it especially from Will, but I just can't get myself to watch it on the computer. For some reason it just isn't the same as watching it on a television screen. I don't know why, but that's just how I feel. I guess I'll use Hulu as a last resort of not having any other way of watching it.

Anyway, it has been amazing so far. It combines the comedy and drama of a television show and my passion for singing music. It's what I miss most about singing in a choir. I am happy when I sing music that I love... music that I enjoy... music from some of which are from the heart. You see, I was brought up with Top 40 music all my life. It was the one thing, the one connection that I have with my dad that just comes so easily in conversation. I believe that it was through this that my love for pop music flourished.

Last night, I watched the last few episodes of the season 2, volume one. As always, I was moved by it. I get goosebumps every time I hear something great. The episode, "Never Been Kissed" where Kurt goes to the competition (the Warblers) and meets lead singer Blaine who happens to be gay, sang their version of "Teenage Dream." Oh my God, it was AMAZING. The intricate 8-part harmonies in the background was just simply amazing. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it. That's the kind of stuff I enjoy doing, singing harmonies with Top 40 songs that I love.

Yet, another thing happened while I was watching the remaining episodes after that, I started crying. I have started to become very emotional for some reason. When Kurt's dad and Finn's mom got married... I cried. When Finn sang "Just The Way You Are," I cried. Even when Kurt announced that he was leaving, I cried. What the heck is going on? Does this mean I'm becoming a big ol' girl or something. Am I pregnant or something? I have been losing weight, so that can't be the reason. I don't know. I just wonder what it is all about.

This morning, I went to meet up with the other choir members from S.O.S. I struggled to get up and I did it. I got ready, got dressed, jumped on the train and walked over to MCC. I stopped by Subway to grab a quick bite to eat to make sure that I am getting in all my meals and continued to walk to my destination absorbing the warmth from the sun amidst the slight chill of the morning. I finally arrived and was immediately greeted by a wave by Pam, my fellow choir member and alto. We all waited a while for everyone to arrive before we headed over to Pacific School of Religion on Holy Hill in Berkeley to where we were performing. We took four separate cars and made our way over the bridge.

I accompanied Gregory and George to stop by one of our other fellow choir members who didn't show up. It was unusual for her to not show up. We stopped by to check up on her and it turns out she is sick. So, we headed over the bridge as quickly as Gregory could drive and drove through Berkeley 10 miles over the speed limit to make it to rehearsal. Fortunately another choir was rehearsing when we arrived and parked the car. I sat down with the other choir members listening to them rehearse until it was time for us to practice.

When it was our turn, we stood up in an arc SATB from left to right. There was 1 soprano, 1 alto, 3 tenors & 4 basses. We had a pianist and a guitarist accompany us. It turns out the choir who rehearsed before us was going to help us sing. We started rehearsal with "59th Street Bridge Song (Feeling Groovy)" by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. I almost forgot what note to start on. Then after that, we sang "Signs" by Five Man Electric Band. There is a solo part for it that Gregory was supposed to sing, but he asked me to take over because he wasn't feeling up to it. I started to get nervous about it and when it came to it, I mixed up two of the words. Thankfully it was during rehearsal.

Afterward, we joined the other choir and the head master of the school (who turns out to have been a previous minister of MCC) in prayer. He welcomed us to PSR and thanked us for coming to sing before we held hands to pray. As I listened to the head master/minister Jim I think his name was, I felt an overwhelming urge to cry. I was able to keep it in thankfully. When the prayer ended, we went back to our seats and sat through the service.

At the start of the service, the PSR choir sang "This Little Light of Mine" and "Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing," two songs of praise and protest from African-American Tradition. Then we read "A Litany of Survival" by Audre Lorde who was a Black, Lesbian Activist. It was quite moving. Then, they broke into a hymn, "In Christ There is No East or West," a song which I was not familiar with, but I faked it as best I could. The reverend Jim made the announcements and welcomed certain people back to the school.

When he was done, we went up to the front of the church and faced the congregation I guess that's what they would be referred to. We stood in our arc formation and prepared for our first performance piece, "Signs." I was a bit nervous thinking, "I wish I had eaten a banana before this to calm my nerves," but alas it was definitely too late. Kathleen, our choral director had begun waving her arms, which immediately cued the accompanist and guitarist to begin playing. Thankfully, the basses had the starting notes and I had at least six measures before coming in and singing my part. It was a bit nerve-racking for me, but it seemed everything fell into place as soon as I sang. When the solo came, I somehow managed to not over think it too much, and I just sang out and enjoyed the fact that I was singing. I was doing something that makes me happy.

After we finished the song, the congregation applauded and the service resumed with a scripture reading from Matthew 5:13 - 20. I really didn't pay attention much because I was still rattled with nerves standing up there. I wasn't bothered by the fact that everyone was possibly looking at me, I was nervous I guess. I really can't explain it.

After she finished reading the scripture, it was our turn to sing again. We sang the "59th Street Bridge Song" or what we referred the song to as "Feeling Groovy." It's a fun song. The tenor section just sings the third below the melody and singing the song just makes you feel happy... feel groovy. It was a cool song to do and it was great to sing it with the other choir who had helped us out. After we finished singing the song, the congregation applauded us for the performance. Soon after, we headed back to our seats and sat through the rest of the service.

Reverend Jim gave a sermon after that. It was not unlike any sermon that I've heard anywhere. Usually, and I'll be honest, some sermons put me to sleep. Being raised Catholic, it was something that I got used to. Not to say that there weren't some sermons that were actually moving, some of which actually helped guide me through some troubled times. But this sermon was out of the ordinary because not only did he use words from the Bible, but talked about how it is going on today. He talked about celebrating Black History month and what it means to us, how it is a part of us. It was quite moving I have to say. There was much more to it, but I guess you would have to be there.

After the sermon, we did a prayer. I had sat between Pam and James, two of my choir members that I have gotten close to since becoming a part of S.O.S. We held each others hands and closed our eyes as the reverend said a prayer. During the prayer, he asked that we call out names of people who were sick that needed to be prayed for. I couldn't really think of anybody since James had already called out Sunshine and Pam dittoed. Then, he asked that we call out names of people who had passed away. I called out my cousin Andrea and my Grand-Aunt and that's when the tears began falling down my face on both sides. At the conclusion of the prayer, I let go of James and Pam's hands and wiped the tears that had ran down my face. After the prayer, the reverend talked a bit more before we sang "This Little Light of Mine."

At the completion of the service, several people came up to us and thanked us for singing at their service. A few of them came up to me and complimented me on my solo. I thanked them and gave them a slight smile, trying not to look them directly in the eye. When I did, it was genuine. It wasn't fake at all. The people were welcoming and open to us. Afterward that, we headed out to take a group picture in front of the sign posted out front. My mind was sort of elsewhere since I started to become bothered by recent and sudden overwhelming emotion stirring inside of me. I don't know where it is coming from.

Anyway, we took pictures and then followed one of the students of the school to the cafeteria. I believe his name was John. He was tall and thin with nice, ice-eyes with glasses. He guided us and showed us around the cafeteria giving us different options for lunch. We were kind of spread out. James invited me to inside with him, Pam & George, but I had already said that I was going to join our guides outside on the deck and eat with them. The view was beautiful from out there. I was able to see the bay bridge, Buena Vista Island and part of the City from there. They were serving philly cheesesteak sandwiches, french fries, and split-pea soup. I got some of it and ate it outside with Joe, Patrick, John and two other guys from the service. The one guy that was talking to Patrick talked a lot. He was a nice guy though. He told us stories about him. He has a condition where he can't move his neck and his back is curvy.

Patrick left to let Coral (his dog) loose on the grass, so the guy stayed and asked us how we got into the group. Joe told his story. Then, he asked me about me and I tried to tell him, but I kept having trouble thinking of some of the words that I wanted to use. It was totally embarrassing and aggravating at the same time. He then asked John about his story. John is from Colorado. He talked about how he joined a church who doesn't care about race/color/sexuality. He said that he would help the homeless and even walk in the Gay Pride Parade there and he saw how much hate there is in the world. He is a senior at the school and is working to change the world. I saw how admirable and genuine he was about it. Everyone there was very nice and open. It is very refreshing to see that there are people out there like that.

After a while, John and a few others at the table left to go to class. It was really nice meeting them. Gregory came by to get us because we were leaving. So, we walked out and stopped by the church to get the stuff that we had left there. We stopped by the restroom before heading back into the car. While we were getting situated in the car, there was this attractive guy looking in our direction. I kept looking at him. He reminded me a little bit of Alysson, the cute Brazilian guy that had a skater look. Anyway, he kept looking at us as he was walking by. As soon as we drove off down the hill, I saw him again at the bottom of the hill and looked at him while giving him a little smile. The rest of the drive, Gregory and I chatted about our musical backgrounds. After dropping off George at the church, he offered to take me home. On the way home, we continued to talk about music and he's going to give me a keyboard which is an extra one that someone is sending him. Anyway, that was my day. I watched my Glee again and it brought me to tears. What is going on with me?

My mom called me earlier today. Things between have been awkward as of late. It didn't help that I acted like a little brat when I was on vacation with her. I was just unhappy that my brother half my age gets to go wherever he wants and my sisters and I don't. I'm pretty sure she just wants us to be safe, but we are a lot older now. I guess I just don't understand and I never confronted her about it. That's my fault and I know that. I just don't know how to talk to her anymore.

Anyway, she called just a while ago. She asked me about my job and school status. That lets me know that she cares about me because I never really know if she does or not. I told her that I haven't found a job yet, but that I'm still looking. She said that she knows how hard it is to find a job over here in California. I could already hear that I should move over there in her voice. She asked me how much longer I have left in school. I told her that I have a year and probably a half left to get my bachelor's degree. I explained to her that I just want to finish it so that I can get a decent job.

I told her that I had some clothes to send to the Philippines, but she told me not too. She said it would be too much money to send stuff there. It would be better if I donated the clothes to the salvation army so that I can claim it for my income tax next year. She started asking about the stuff in the storage. I told her that most of it was my sisters, but that I just wanted to start getting rid of stuff. I also mentioned that there were some things of hers that she wanted me to hold on to. She said that she can't make it there right now because it is difficult. She even wants me to donate the organ too.

After some more conversation, the call came to a close. She told me that she loves me and my eyes started to tear up. I know that the relationship between my mom and I is not that great, but I do love her. She is still my mom and I wish things were a lot better between us. I've always known that she loves me, I just don't get that re-assurance. Then again, I can pick up the phone too. I told her that I loved her too and the phone call ended. I just want things to be cool between us again, but that has to start with me.

I was feeling glum and gloomy as usual this morning. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. Of course, I got hungry and had to force myself to get up. I decided to do the rest of my laundry since it finally got freed up from the consistent usage of the washer and dryer by the other inhabitants of the house. I was bumming around watching the Nanny when I received a text message from my long time friend Natalie. She had seen my missed call and didn't notice it until she got to work this morning. She informed me that I could call her after 12 noon when she gets off from work. It was around that time when I wasn't sure when exactly to call her. I sent her a text message instead asking her when was the best time to call. She said that 3:30PM would be fine.

As I was lounging around watching television, I received another text message from my friend Sunny. He asked me if I wanted to have brunch with him, his treat. I replied that it would be nice. It would be another attempt to get me out of the house, so I took the opportunity. I went to brush my teeth since I had already showered hours earlier. I got dressed and was ready for him upon his arrival. I hadn't seen him in well over a month beyond my absence from my month long vacation. I had been pushing people away because I didn't want them to get tired of my acts of depression for which I had apologized to him for. Anyway, he picked me up and we headed off downtown.

It was interesting, how cloudy and gloomy it was in my part of town. As soon as we drove passed 30th Avenue heading east, it was blue skies and sunny. Sunny commented that no wonder I was in such a gloomy mood. We roamed aimlessly around the Castro area looking for parking. It must have been almost a half hour before we ended up finding one on a downward slope on Noe Street. We walked down with all the lovely eye candy that glorified the streets due to the beautiful weather on this side of the City. We went to Cafe Flore because he wanted to sit outdoors and I heard it is a well-known establishment. He ordered our food while I ventured out into the area to locate a decent table to sit at. Unfortunately, all of the good ones were taken. I ended up finding an area along the street that was sort of outdoors, but covered. It wasn't very well ventilated and I kept smelling sh*t when I sat down. I kept checking under my feet and the table to see if there was anything there, but there wasn't. Eventually, we relocated to the inside and ate our brunch there. The food was pretty good and the scenery was great.

After brunch, we headed out to the Castro to figure out what else to do. He kept asking me, but I really didn't care. I was just happy that I was out of the house doing something and hanging out with somebody. We stopped by to buy lube at one of the local porn stores then headed back to the car to figure out what to do next. I had mentioned that a friend of mine was at Dolores Park playing Scrabble. With that in mind, that became our next destination. Of course, we had the parking issue again, so we went hunting for that. We were fortunate to find one at the top of a hill a block away from the park where the road ended in two places. We headed down the hill towards the park and it was nice. It was a nice view. We walked to the corner and there it was... the gay beach and all its glory. There were hot shirtless men laying out to sunbathe. It was definitely a sight to see. We made our way around the park to check out the local lovelies and some of the eye candies that were out there were definitely to die for. After making our way around the park, we settled down on the grass where there was some shade for me to sit under while having full view of eye candy. The view of the city from where we sat was amazing, from the endless view of men to the skyline, it was a spectacular view. We sat and watched as many men walked by shirtless and even down to their underwear, laying out under the sun in all its glory. There were many men to look at on this beautiful gorgeous day with a slight cool breeze making its way down through the park. Eventually, we headed back to the car and he took me home.

It was a nice day. Two hours had already passed the time that I was to call my friend Natalie. Fortunately, I had sent her a text message to let her know that something came up and that I would call her later. I ended up calling her as soon as I sat down on my bed. I was very happy that she answered. I had not talked to her in so long. I think the last time I actually talked to her on the phone was sometime last year. I'm not sure exactly when, but it must have been before I quit Fedex because she had no idea that that even happened. I brought her up to speed and filled her in on what had gone on in my life since we last talked. I went from why I quit my job to my vacation. Then, she filled me in on her life as well. She now has a granddaughter and her son moved out of the house. That's huge. Ever since I have known her, her son has been her life. She said that she experienced the "Empty Nest" syndrome for a week and was over it. She told me about her work and the drama with her family. We even talked about how you can't trust people these days and I totally could relate to her.

From the moment I spoke on the phone, she knew that I was not well. That's how much she KNOWS me, but that's what you expect from a friendship of 17 years. Wow, that's a long time. I value her friendship. I told her that I wrote down a list of things that I'm happy and thankful for. It is something that I am using from "The Secret" to have a positive attitude and be happy to get the things that I want in my life. I told her how the kids in the Philippines made me want a family more and more. I went down my list of "happy thoughts" with her starting from the top of the list which are the most recent events and down going back to what made me happy in my past. The first that I wrote was playing ball with Nickson and my little cousins in the Philippines; The second was seeing A Chorus Line and having dinner with Tina, Dani, Raquel, & Mom; all the way down to working with Natalie at Pru. I told her that I was very thankful to have her in my life. Even though we don't talk as much and there could be months or a year before we talk again, but when we do... it is like we picked up where we left off. Our friendship is very special to me and I cherish it very much. She said that she was wanting to cry at that moment.

At that moment, the conversation changed as we started to get into being lost in my life, and this is where the foot started targeting my head. She started to tell me that I have nothing holding me from anything. I have no ties, no children to keep me from reaching my dreams and goals. She said that the world is mine and I have nothing to hold me back. She pointed out that I was able to travel to Hawaii, the Philippines, and Hong Kong; and she hasn't done that. She's always wanted to travel, but the only places she's been to are up and down the California coast and Mexico. She said that I've done so much that she has not known anyone else to do. She mentioned how I took the responsibility of being the mother and father to my siblings at the age of 14 while going to school; how I juggled two jobs and going to school; working four jobs and going to school. She made me look at all that I have done and that there is nothing that can stop me from doing what I want. If I can do all that, then the possibilities for me are endless. There were more things that were discussed, but simply put... that was the big kick to my head. She really got me thinking that there is nothing that I can't do and the only person holding me back is myself. She even mentioned that she finally understood something that was said in the movie, "Good Will Hunting." I checked it out and this is what was said:

Will: What do I wanna way outta here for? I'm gonna live here the rest of my fuckin' life. We'll be neighbors, have little kids, take 'em to Little League up at Foley Field.
Chuckie: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way but, in 20 years if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house, watchin' the Patriots games, workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill ya. That's not a threat, that's a fact, I'll fuckin' kill ya.
Will: What the fuck you talkin' about?
Chuckie: You got somethin' none of us have...
Will: Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to?
Chuckie: No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time.

She didn't act it all out or anything like that, but she pretty much summed it up for me. It was like an awakening. A wake-up call. A big kick to my head. She began getting phone calls from her boyfriend and it was well past 7:00pm when she was to see a movie with him. So, I thanked her and let her go so that she can pick up her boyfriend. After I got off the phone with her, I felt that my spirits where higher than they were, but I still needed to figure out what to do. Nevertheless, that was what I needed to move on forward. Hmmm.... Keep moving forward! (I love that movie.) That's what I will do.

Back on the first of the month, I received an interesting text message from my landlord. "Hey guys. I need you all to sit down and have a house meeting about the current situation. I have spoken to you all and a decision must be made. I have heard different sides of the story and so now it is up to you all to decide who leaves. Please let me know what you decide. Thank you for understanding." I was a little confused and wasn't sure what was going on. Then, I received another text. "About the last text... There is drama between J and R, and I anticipate one of them will be leaving. Just wanted to let you know what was going on." Since I was on vacation for an entire month, I was wondering what had happened between the two. I began to wonder about this house meeting and thought about voting people out of the house like one of those reality shows. Of course, since I had been having issues with R, I had been thinking of all the things that irritate me about him living in the house to vote him out. He is the guy that I share the bathroom with who doesn't ever help clean it, he doesn't help with any of the household chores, he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, and he's just dirty. I've seen both of them in passing and engaged with them in small talk, but I stayed in my room most of the time when I got back from trip.

Earlier today, R just happened to be in the living room on his computer when I went to get my laundry out of the dryer. He asked me about my vacation and I told him it was fine. He started talking to me about this Filipino girl that he met and told her about me going to the Philippines. I thought that it was kind of weird that he would be bringing me up in a conversation especially with a girl I don't even know. He knows that I'm gay. Anyway, I just nodded and proceeded on up to my room after gathering all of my clothes. He started to tell me about the situation with our other roommate. I guess J has been trying to get me kicked out of the house. I was very shocked to hear that because I thought I had a better relationship with him than R. After R talked to him more, he found out the reason J wanted me to get kicked out of the house is so that R can move into my room and J would take over R's room to use as his office. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. R didn't believe that what J was doing was right, so he said that he was against it. He said that I never did anything wrong to deserve that. He said that I was a nice guy and that I never bothered them. I was surprised to hear this coming out of his mouth especially since he was kind of a jerk when Thomas was staying with me.

Anyway, apparently there is more. Since R wasn't going for it, J went to the landlord and started complaining about R telling her that he smokes weed too much. Well the landlord called R about it and found out about what he said. Now it has become this huge thing. R and J don't even say anything to each other anymore. To be honest, I am not sure who to believe, but I don't know too much about J. With what R said about me, I was surprised to hear the nice things that he said about me. I've only heard R's story, but J never even said anything to me when he saw me. He only asked about my holiday and I told him. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but someone is leaving. R said that J may be leaving or that he may be leaving, but all I know is that I'm not really sure what to think of it all. I feel hurt though more than anything that anyone would do that, but I guess you can't really trust people you don't really know. I'm just as surprised that the situation involves me even when I wasn't around. This situation has made things any easier for me. I wish I knew what to do with my life. I'm so lost right now that all I want to do is sleep.