Finding My Soul

The title comes from a quote from Karen Walker on Will & Grace. I had a pretty good conversation with Will today about random stuff. I had walked nine blocks to meet up with him in front of his house. I remember thinking how nice it was outside and how good it felt to walk and be outside. I realized that staying inside my room all day was making me all depressed. I really need to stop and get out more even if it is just for a walk up and down the beach. It was very cold walking those nine blocks. I didn't want to put my hands in my pocket, but by the time I reached my destination my hands were stone cold. Anyway, Will and I talked about various different issues. Most of which began to stir up in my mind... where am I going with my life? what is my purpose? what am I afraid of? etc. I talked about all the things that I planned for that never ended up panning out. I really don't know what that's all about. The only thing I can thing of is that karma is getting back to me. I really don't know what I did wrong, but it's kicking my ass. We discussed music, life in San Francisco, and finding out about ourselves. I know I'm a lot older than most of my friends and it just seems like I never stop living and learning. I feel like I've lived a lot. I've gone through a lot. I've struggled a lot and life has been hard. I'm wondering if I'm making it hard or if that's what's laid out for me on my path in life.

I really don't know how to go about it all. There is a lot of things that I am learning about myself. I admitted to Will that I have a lot of Pride. I really hate asking money from friends and family. That's why when I went off to college, I never asked anything of my father because he had his own stuff to deal with as well as taking care of my younger siblings. I know life has dealt us crappy cards and I don't know why. I feel like my family has been doomed from the get go. Unless I was selfish and had no clue about what else was going on. Sometimes, I just don't understand why things happen the way they do. Don't get me wrong, as much as I struggled, I learned quite a bit and it has definitely made me stronger. Yet, why do I feel weak somehow. All I know is that I'm very thankful for the support of the family and friends that I had through all those times. I just think it's time for me to be happy for once. I want to get married with a guy who can love and take care of me as I will do him. I want to have kids with him and live in a beautiful house on a hill overlooking the San Francisco Bay. I want to be surrounded by my friends and family at all times and be able to support them as they have for me. I know this is a lot of wishful thinking, but this is what I want. I deserve to happy just like everybody else. As much as I want this, I know it all starts with me. I'm really not sure how to go about it yet, but I hope to figure it out soon.

I know that I want a relationship. I want a boyfriend. Heck, I want to start dating, I just need to figure out how. The first thing I need to do though is take care of myself. For the longest time, ever since my parents divorced, I've been the nurturing caretaker of the family. After twenty years, it has become second nature to me. It is totally automatic. All of my friends and family, most of which are younger than me, I've taken under my wing. I can't help it. I'm the mother. I know that sometimes I overstep my boundaries though, but I don't realize it most of the time because I'm used to it. So, for those of you reading this, just tell me to stop being your mother. Let me know. I may get but hurt, but I will understand. Anyway, that is one thing I need to work on. I can't help it. I just care a lot. Maybe too much. I'm going to start going to the gym regularly. Once things start to settle down, I'm going to get involved and volunteer. Also, I'm going to look into some type of group that will help me deal with things. I don't know. Some kind of group that I can be a part of to help figure things out as well as meet new people. I guess that's a start. Well, I'm starting to run out of things to write about. So, I will end it here. Until next time.