Finding My Soul

I know its been a while since I've been on here. It definitely has been a struggle of a year last year. I wanted to a make a New Year's Resolution for the year 2011 and that was to write on here more so that I can express myself, practice my writing skills and get everything that I am feeling inside out in the open. A lot has happened since the last time I was here, but I will sum it up the next blog around.

The second season, volume one of Glee came out last Tuesday and I was able to catch up on the episodes that I have missed. I've been hearing a lot of great things about it especially from Will, but I just can't get myself to watch it on the computer. For some reason it just isn't the same as watching it on a television screen. I don't know why, but that's just how I feel. I guess I'll use Hulu as a last resort of not having any other way of watching it.

Anyway, it has been amazing so far. It combines the comedy and drama of a television show and my passion for singing music. It's what I miss most about singing in a choir. I am happy when I sing music that I love... music that I enjoy... music from some of which are from the heart. You see, I was brought up with Top 40 music all my life. It was the one thing, the one connection that I have with my dad that just comes so easily in conversation. I believe that it was through this that my love for pop music flourished.

Last night, I watched the last few episodes of the season 2, volume one. As always, I was moved by it. I get goosebumps every time I hear something great. The episode, "Never Been Kissed" where Kurt goes to the competition (the Warblers) and meets lead singer Blaine who happens to be gay, sang their version of "Teenage Dream." Oh my God, it was AMAZING. The intricate 8-part harmonies in the background was just simply amazing. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it. That's the kind of stuff I enjoy doing, singing harmonies with Top 40 songs that I love.

Yet, another thing happened while I was watching the remaining episodes after that, I started crying. I have started to become very emotional for some reason. When Kurt's dad and Finn's mom got married... I cried. When Finn sang "Just The Way You Are," I cried. Even when Kurt announced that he was leaving, I cried. What the heck is going on? Does this mean I'm becoming a big ol' girl or something. Am I pregnant or something? I have been losing weight, so that can't be the reason. I don't know. I just wonder what it is all about.

This morning, I went to meet up with the other choir members from S.O.S. I struggled to get up and I did it. I got ready, got dressed, jumped on the train and walked over to MCC. I stopped by Subway to grab a quick bite to eat to make sure that I am getting in all my meals and continued to walk to my destination absorbing the warmth from the sun amidst the slight chill of the morning. I finally arrived and was immediately greeted by a wave by Pam, my fellow choir member and alto. We all waited a while for everyone to arrive before we headed over to Pacific School of Religion on Holy Hill in Berkeley to where we were performing. We took four separate cars and made our way over the bridge.

I accompanied Gregory and George to stop by one of our other fellow choir members who didn't show up. It was unusual for her to not show up. We stopped by to check up on her and it turns out she is sick. So, we headed over the bridge as quickly as Gregory could drive and drove through Berkeley 10 miles over the speed limit to make it to rehearsal. Fortunately another choir was rehearsing when we arrived and parked the car. I sat down with the other choir members listening to them rehearse until it was time for us to practice.

When it was our turn, we stood up in an arc SATB from left to right. There was 1 soprano, 1 alto, 3 tenors & 4 basses. We had a pianist and a guitarist accompany us. It turns out the choir who rehearsed before us was going to help us sing. We started rehearsal with "59th Street Bridge Song (Feeling Groovy)" by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. I almost forgot what note to start on. Then after that, we sang "Signs" by Five Man Electric Band. There is a solo part for it that Gregory was supposed to sing, but he asked me to take over because he wasn't feeling up to it. I started to get nervous about it and when it came to it, I mixed up two of the words. Thankfully it was during rehearsal.

Afterward, we joined the other choir and the head master of the school (who turns out to have been a previous minister of MCC) in prayer. He welcomed us to PSR and thanked us for coming to sing before we held hands to pray. As I listened to the head master/minister Jim I think his name was, I felt an overwhelming urge to cry. I was able to keep it in thankfully. When the prayer ended, we went back to our seats and sat through the service.

At the start of the service, the PSR choir sang "This Little Light of Mine" and "Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing," two songs of praise and protest from African-American Tradition. Then we read "A Litany of Survival" by Audre Lorde who was a Black, Lesbian Activist. It was quite moving. Then, they broke into a hymn, "In Christ There is No East or West," a song which I was not familiar with, but I faked it as best I could. The reverend Jim made the announcements and welcomed certain people back to the school.

When he was done, we went up to the front of the church and faced the congregation I guess that's what they would be referred to. We stood in our arc formation and prepared for our first performance piece, "Signs." I was a bit nervous thinking, "I wish I had eaten a banana before this to calm my nerves," but alas it was definitely too late. Kathleen, our choral director had begun waving her arms, which immediately cued the accompanist and guitarist to begin playing. Thankfully, the basses had the starting notes and I had at least six measures before coming in and singing my part. It was a bit nerve-racking for me, but it seemed everything fell into place as soon as I sang. When the solo came, I somehow managed to not over think it too much, and I just sang out and enjoyed the fact that I was singing. I was doing something that makes me happy.

After we finished the song, the congregation applauded and the service resumed with a scripture reading from Matthew 5:13 - 20. I really didn't pay attention much because I was still rattled with nerves standing up there. I wasn't bothered by the fact that everyone was possibly looking at me, I was nervous I guess. I really can't explain it.

After she finished reading the scripture, it was our turn to sing again. We sang the "59th Street Bridge Song" or what we referred the song to as "Feeling Groovy." It's a fun song. The tenor section just sings the third below the melody and singing the song just makes you feel happy... feel groovy. It was a cool song to do and it was great to sing it with the other choir who had helped us out. After we finished singing the song, the congregation applauded us for the performance. Soon after, we headed back to our seats and sat through the rest of the service.

Reverend Jim gave a sermon after that. It was not unlike any sermon that I've heard anywhere. Usually, and I'll be honest, some sermons put me to sleep. Being raised Catholic, it was something that I got used to. Not to say that there weren't some sermons that were actually moving, some of which actually helped guide me through some troubled times. But this sermon was out of the ordinary because not only did he use words from the Bible, but talked about how it is going on today. He talked about celebrating Black History month and what it means to us, how it is a part of us. It was quite moving I have to say. There was much more to it, but I guess you would have to be there.

After the sermon, we did a prayer. I had sat between Pam and James, two of my choir members that I have gotten close to since becoming a part of S.O.S. We held each others hands and closed our eyes as the reverend said a prayer. During the prayer, he asked that we call out names of people who were sick that needed to be prayed for. I couldn't really think of anybody since James had already called out Sunshine and Pam dittoed. Then, he asked that we call out names of people who had passed away. I called out my cousin Andrea and my Grand-Aunt and that's when the tears began falling down my face on both sides. At the conclusion of the prayer, I let go of James and Pam's hands and wiped the tears that had ran down my face. After the prayer, the reverend talked a bit more before we sang "This Little Light of Mine."

At the completion of the service, several people came up to us and thanked us for singing at their service. A few of them came up to me and complimented me on my solo. I thanked them and gave them a slight smile, trying not to look them directly in the eye. When I did, it was genuine. It wasn't fake at all. The people were welcoming and open to us. Afterward that, we headed out to take a group picture in front of the sign posted out front. My mind was sort of elsewhere since I started to become bothered by recent and sudden overwhelming emotion stirring inside of me. I don't know where it is coming from.

Anyway, we took pictures and then followed one of the students of the school to the cafeteria. I believe his name was John. He was tall and thin with nice, ice-eyes with glasses. He guided us and showed us around the cafeteria giving us different options for lunch. We were kind of spread out. James invited me to inside with him, Pam & George, but I had already said that I was going to join our guides outside on the deck and eat with them. The view was beautiful from out there. I was able to see the bay bridge, Buena Vista Island and part of the City from there. They were serving philly cheesesteak sandwiches, french fries, and split-pea soup. I got some of it and ate it outside with Joe, Patrick, John and two other guys from the service. The one guy that was talking to Patrick talked a lot. He was a nice guy though. He told us stories about him. He has a condition where he can't move his neck and his back is curvy.

Patrick left to let Coral (his dog) loose on the grass, so the guy stayed and asked us how we got into the group. Joe told his story. Then, he asked me about me and I tried to tell him, but I kept having trouble thinking of some of the words that I wanted to use. It was totally embarrassing and aggravating at the same time. He then asked John about his story. John is from Colorado. He talked about how he joined a church who doesn't care about race/color/sexuality. He said that he would help the homeless and even walk in the Gay Pride Parade there and he saw how much hate there is in the world. He is a senior at the school and is working to change the world. I saw how admirable and genuine he was about it. Everyone there was very nice and open. It is very refreshing to see that there are people out there like that.

After a while, John and a few others at the table left to go to class. It was really nice meeting them. Gregory came by to get us because we were leaving. So, we walked out and stopped by the church to get the stuff that we had left there. We stopped by the restroom before heading back into the car. While we were getting situated in the car, there was this attractive guy looking in our direction. I kept looking at him. He reminded me a little bit of Alysson, the cute Brazilian guy that had a skater look. Anyway, he kept looking at us as he was walking by. As soon as we drove off down the hill, I saw him again at the bottom of the hill and looked at him while giving him a little smile. The rest of the drive, Gregory and I chatted about our musical backgrounds. After dropping off George at the church, he offered to take me home. On the way home, we continued to talk about music and he's going to give me a keyboard which is an extra one that someone is sending him. Anyway, that was my day. I watched my Glee again and it brought me to tears. What is going on with me?