Finding My Soul

Thursday after work, I had been thinking about Danny, low and behold he called. Unfortunately, I missed his call because I didn't get my ear piece turned on quick enough. I listened to his voicemail and I was happy to hear from him. I was going to wait till I got home before I called him knowing how difficult it was going to be if I were to talk to him using the ear piece. Once I arrived at home, I returned his call and had a very nice conversation with him. He talked about school and all the homework that he had. He talked about he's getting to the point to where he was hating school. I advised him about putting too much pressure on himself. I reminded him how young he still is and how he still has so much time do it. He agreed. He mentioned that he was taking a music class. I asked him what kind of music class it was and I figured out that he was taking Music Appreciation. We got to discussing how I used to be a music major and basically said that I would help him write is paper as soon as he mentioned that he needed to attend another concert. I offered to take him to a concert and he liked the idea. We talked for a little while longer before he let me go eat dinner.

Earlier today, he called me as I was driving to Manteca. I could barely understand a few things, but he started asking me about what kind of guys I was into. I told him that I was into white guys and Latino guys. He started saying how those are the type of guys that lie and are all about sex. I asked him if it was due to his own experience, but he said no. He asked me if I liked other Filipinos and I told him why. He asked me if I was into Black guys because of something. I really didn't understand what he said and I asked him to repeat it, but I still didn't understand. I told him that I grew up with white guys and latino guys that's why I find them attractive. He was still at work and kept getting buzzed. So, he asked if he could call me back later.

Later in the evening, he had called as I was on my way to my grandmothers house. I ended up talking with him. He told me about the lady talking to him while he was talking to me earlier today. I continued our conversation where we left off and told him about what I look for in a guy. I told him that even though I'm attracted to white guys and latinos, it really boils down to personality. I told him what I was looking for basically a companion that I can care for and could care for me. Someone to share my life with and travel the world with. I kept talking about similar things and he kept saying, "You'll find somebody." He told me something about not to shoot too much for that, but he couldn't explain why. I got to my grandmother's house and I told him that I had the dates for concerts. I told him that there's one on Sunday and one on Wednesday. He said that he would let me know. Those were the only two options since he has to turn in the report by Friday.

He asked me if I was going out tonight. I told him that I wasn't and told him why. He felt bad about the situation and offered his assistance using his truck. He even said that I can call him if I needed someone to talk. That was really sweet of him. I asked him what he was doing. He said that he had homework, but he may be going out. He wasn't sure. He mentioned Lino a few times which is his ex or what I thought was his ex. It sounds like they are back together. Then, that's when it hit me. That's when everything came together. I wondered why he would talk to me especially when he had a boyfriend. Although this is just a theory, it seems to be logical. I concluded that he was searching for a boyfriend for his friend and was not really interested in me at all. Yes, maybe just to be friends with me, but basically no interest in me. His questions about what type of guys I'm into and diverting me from white guys. I'm really sad because I've been hoping that we would be something, but now I know this is what it has come down to.

I know I should just give up and stop looking. Here I am, a nice guy, who just wants to find that special someone to be with and have a slight attraction to. It's time to just throw in the hat. I'm going to have to change my life and cut out what I most want in my life. I'm just going to have to focus on me and disregard everything else. Romance is just what you see on television, but not reality. It's time for me to deal with the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I know it's not very hopeful, but it's gotten me nowhere. So much for romancing the soul. This will be the last entry of this particular blog. Now onto cleansing into reality.