Finding My Soul

Last night I went out to the Castro with Thomas and Billy. I was tired from work, but I was looking forward to it. After a long week at work, I needed some kind of release. I was excited to hang out with my Thomas and Billy. I got home from work and started cleaning up my room a little bit. Marc called me and chatted for a bit. He's a really nice, sweet guy. We talked about going to see a movie at Emeryville. He doesn't want to push it, but I think it would be cool. I think we were going to go see Angels & Demons when it comes out. Thomas had called me and I had to let Marc go. He's a very considerate guy and I told him that I would call him the next day.

I met the boys out front and took them up to my room. We hung out until we were ready. We took the Muni to downtown and it was taking a while. Thomas wanted to go meet his friend William who was working at the Armani Exchange. The train that we took ended up not working due bad brakes, so we had to get off the train and go to the nearest available train over by Market. We waited quite a while for the next train until one finally arrived. It was one train and everybody practically had to crowd into this one train. We eventually got off at our destination before the store was about to close. Thomas introduced me to his friend who had a strong grip when I shook his hand. They talked for a brief moment before we headed out to look for something to eat.

Thomas was hungry for Jack in the Box tacos, but there was no Jack in the Box to be found. We ended up going into a Carl's Jr where I had opened the door to two men with Australian accents. One of them was short and adorable. He had the nicest blue eyes and was totally cute. The boys ordered their food and I paid since they spent their money the night before. We sat down and ate our food. Thomas wasn't really hungry and I wasn't really in the mood for Carl's Jr., but I knew that I needed food in me. There was another cute by at a near by table who was totally adorable. He had nice eyes and semi-curly brown hair. Even the Australian guys sat at the table on the other side of us which I was able to view from the mirror behind Billy.

After dinner, we went back on the Muni and headed to the Castro. Well, we had to wait for a while since the trains seem to take a long time whenever we are waiting. I saw a few cute guys waiting for the train as well and Thomas saw a lot of cute Asians as well. The train finally arrived and again it was only one train. We practically had to pack ourselves in there, but it wasn't too bad. After we got off at the Castro station, we headed over to Badlands for a drink. Badlands is really not my type of bar. I always feel out of place there, but I went anyway because I wanted Thomas and Billy to have fun anyway. I bought our first drinks of the night, I believe the bartender called a Long Beach. After a while, Thomas wanted to leave so that we would meet William at the Castro station. We ended up waiting out there a while before Willaim eventually got there. At least there was eye candy for us to pass the times.

We headed over to the Lime for some drinks and there were some hotties along the way. Even when we got to the Lime, the guy who was checking our ID's was definitely hot. We got in and saw a lot of Asians. This was definitely Thomas's night, especially since he mentioned that there were hardly any the night before. We stood around drank our drinks talking while watching all the eye candy around. It's so funny how I can see all when Thomas is going to be into some guys. Anyway, after a while, we headed back to the Badlands which happened to have been more packed than before we arrived there. Thank goodness we got our stamps so that we didn't have to pay the cover.

I had been telling Thomas that I was hoping to see Danny tonight. He had been telling me to text him, but I didn't want to push him into coming. We went back to the same bartender and got the same drink again. It was pretty crowded and I saw a few hot guys there. There was even one guy who I had been looking at, but I think he had a boyfriend with him. Anyway, I ended up texting him and I hadn't heard anything from him. I thought about Tony and how he said he's usually in town on weekends visiting Jake. So, ended up texting him. He texted me back saying that he was drunk at the Badlands. I texted him back and told him that I was at the Badlands as well. I asked him where he was at and he was near the exit. Thomas went to use the restroom, so I went to look for Tony. He ended up finding me. He had the greatest smile on his face and gave me a hug telling me that he missed me. He was pretty ecstatic as was I. He wanted to go dancing and followed me back to the dance floor to rejoin Thomas.

We finally found Thomas and I introduced them to each other. We ended up dancing together most of the night. I was having a lot of fun dancing at this point. After a while, Tony went outside to take a breather while Thomas and I continued to dance. After a while, Thomas and I went outside to take a breather as well. We were both so hot and sweatie from dancing. Thomas bummed a smoke from some random guy while we stood out there and talked. Tony came out to meet us and conversed with us for a while. I told Tony that we all had one thing in common and that was working at Barnes & Noble. Thomas mentioned that he recognized Tony somewhere, but he didn't know where. Tony told us that Laura offered him the position as head cashier. I asked what happened to Olivia and Tony said that she has MS. It makes me so sad because she is a total sweetheart. It turns out that Thomas knew Olivia too and exchanged numbers as well.

Thomas and I wanted to go back to the dance floor and convinced Tony to come with. He didn't want go at first, but he caved. While we made our way through to the dance floor, Tony said that he couldn't find his friends and if they left, he asked if he could stay over at my place. I said sure. I didn't mind. We danced for a while until he got a message from Jake saying that they were leaving. So, he left and it was just Thomas and I dancing on the dance floor. After a while, he ended up finding some guy to dance with. Eventually he started dancing and making out with the guy. I found myself dancing all by myself. This is the part that I hate. I was alone. People were making out with others around me and felt outcasted. No one wanted to dance with me. I started to feel this overcoming sadness take over me. I tried to fight the feeling, but I couldn't. The bar was closing and we had to make our way out. Thomas was still making out with the boy and Billy finally appeared out of nowhere.

Slowly we were being herded out of the club. I had went to use the restroom and made a little conversation with a guy washing his hands. He had cut his hands from a broken glass that was on the floor. Afterwards I found Billy talking to some guy who turned out to be the friend of the guy making out with Thomas who had now moved with the boy into the line for his jacket still making out with the boy. Thomas eventually got his jacket and we made our way outside. He was still making out with the boy. After a while, Billy started making out with the friend. There I was, all alone with no one to kiss. I felt so unattractive and such a loner. I just wanted so much not to be there.

Eventually we started to head towards the bus stop. I was hungover with a headache and extremely thirsty. Everything was closed around us, but we kept walking. By the time that we made our way to the bus stop, it turned out that the bus doesn't come by that particular area. I didn't know what to do, so I called my friend Will. I felt bad because I woke him up. I thought that he would know since he's taken the bus before, but he didn't know. Anyway, I apologized again and let him go. We ended up walking up the hill and looking for a bus. A lot of taxis came by but they didn't want to take it because it was going to be expensive. We stopped and sat for awhile at one of the bus stops before we proceeded to walk down the street. We found our way to Haight street and found that the bus we were looking for stopped at this particular stop. So, we waited at the stop until a bus arrived.

One finally arrived but the bus was completely packed. The two people that were at the stop before us were able to make it in, but the doors closed after them. What luck. Fortunately, the doors opened again and were were able to stay on. I was going to pay, but we would've had to get off and wait for the next bus if we didn't move to the back. So, we were able to move into the bus. There was this wretched smell that was making me sick. I had smelled vomit and piss. It was so disgusting that I was trying not to throw up. I had to put my face into Thomas's hoodie just so that I wouldn't vomit from the smell. Thomas had met a few guys on the bus who were actually cute (Dillon, Brent, and some other guy with whom we couldn't remember). They were having a blast making fun of the guy. Eventually, we got off at our stop and headed back to my place. We stopped by the 7 Eleven to get something to drink to ease our hangovers.

We eventually got home and we started getting ready for bed. Thomas laid on my bed and held out his arms. I gave him a hug as he thanked me for a great time. I let the boys stay on the bed while I slept on the floor with the sleeping bag that I bought earlier that day. I was hoping that the sleeping bag would be enough to make me comfortable, but I still felt the hard wood floor on my back. Thomas kept getting text messages from the boy that he made out with throughout the night. Eventually we passed out. We didn't wake up until around 11am this morning. I popped in a Will & Grace DVD while they were getting ready. I walked them out and gave them both a hug. They didn't end up leaving till around 1pm in the afternoon. I was up for a while. I ordered some pizza for lunch and watched Will & Grace for a while. Shortly after, I ended up falling back asleep.

I woke up to a phone call from Marc. I felt bad because I told him that I would call him, but he ended up calling me. It was sweet. He was worried about me. He asked me how my night was, but I didn't tell him how I really felt. I just told him that it was fun and talked about what happened. He didn't talk long. He let me go after a while since he was heading over to the store. I asked him what he did and he said that he didn't do much but relax and play with his cat and dog. After a while, I got a call from Will who told me about his playdate with the London boy. He said it was hot and I was happy for him. He kept cutting in and out since he was on the train. After a while, I started crying after I got off the phone with him. I really need a big change in my life. I saw this commercial about a movie in Greece. Going away seems to be a great idea right now.

Anyway, as far as Danny. He eventually sent me a text message with just a smilie face. Then he sent me another text message about something else. I'm just getting really confused. I'm just in a huge emotional state right now and I hate it. I eventually left the house for a little bit and tried calling Marc apologizing for not calling him like I said that I would but he didn't pick up. So, I left him a message and told him that I didn't want him to think that I was a flake. I went to the 7 Eleven and bought some stuff to gorge myself with. I'm just not handling things very well and I hate that I always eat when I'm depressed. I've been waiting to hear back from Will, but he didn't call back. I knew that he sensed that I wasn't happy, but I managed to divert my attention to his day and not mine. It's 11:15pm now. I think I'm going to go to sleep now.